How to: Bounce Back from Being Fired

Reblogged from TWIGG How-To

(I just started working on another website, TWIGG How-To, with some really impressive young women.  In addition to coordinating events and working with contributors to get their articles submitted, I occasionally write for them.  Below is a personal "how-to" that talks about a not-great summer I had three years ago.)

In June 2011 I was fired from my office assistant job at a major production company, leaving me devastated. My dream was to write and produce for television, but how was that going to happen if I couldn’t even hold on to an office assistant job for more than three months?

A month later I got a job as a copywriter for an SEO company. I’d get to write, even if the writing wasn’t exactly the kind I’d hoped to do, and I was making a livable wage doing it.  Unfortunately, I lasted one week before I was fired for, and I quote, “writing at a junior high level, senior high at best.”  To recap, I had been fired twice in about a month; the second time, because I was deemed not good enough at something I thought was my life’s passion.

August was a tough month for me. I was living at home with my parents at the time, spending my days wallowing in misery. One Saturday morning, I was staring at a cup of coffee I hadn’t started yet when my brother and father came home from playing basketball.  Out of nowhere, I started bawling. My brother realized he needed to take a shower immediately and basically sprinted out of the room, while my father pointed out that this attitude was no way to get a job (unsurprisingly, not helpful). Living with my mom and dad really made me feel like a failure, and I had no faith in my abilities to be an independent adult.

I finally got a job near the end of August as an assistant to a literary manager. She was entirely in film, which was not exactly what I wanted to do (television > film), but close enough. Even though it only paid $500 a week for 11 hour days, I moved to an apartment and thought this would be my gateway to getting my life back on track – until she fired me before 5 PM on day one.

Until last night, I was unsure if I was qualified to write this article.  I am self-sufficient and work at a job I’m good at, but it’s not my dream career and I have doubts about it frequently. I only realized I had something to offer when a friend of mine asked me for advice.   She told me she got fired from her restaurant job, and she was really upset about it.  She remembered I had told her about my inability to keep a job three years ago, and she asked me how I handled it.  I surprised myself by offering what I think was pretty damn good advice.

---

Realize it happened because it wasn’t a good fit.

Getting fired was not a reflection on you; it was a reflection on your relationship with your workplace.  When I got fired from my office assistant job, I was very upset – but I also remember waking up the next morning and realizing, happily, that I never had to go back there again.

Stay positive.

This is, without a doubt, the most difficult step.  While the way my dad told me to stay positive was not helpful (“if you stay negative, missy, you’ll end up being the loser you think you are”), he was right.  Do whatever you need to do to stay positive.  Treat yourself to the best of your abilities.  You want to marathon entire seasons of shows on Netflix?  Do it.  You want to go to the beach in the middle of your Wednesday?  My god, DO IT.

 Keep busy.

The easiest way to stay positive is to take your mind off what happened.  With all this free time, you can finally do all the things you’ve been wanting to do.  Decorate your home like those cutesy apartments you’ve been eyeing on Pinterest.  Exercise regularly.  Read a book.  Be artistic.  Create something.  Learn a new recipe.  Take day trips around your neighborhood or city.  In Los Angeles, there are so many different articles about free things or cheap things you can do in and around town.  I’m sure this is true for just about everywhere, so do some internet research and have fun while you don’t have the work obligation!

Don’t dwell on your old job.

Could you have done something differently?  Maybe.  I know I could have.  My attitude was piss poor, like I was entitled to this shitty job and better than these menial tasks.  That mentality absolutely came across in my work.  Does thinking about what you could have done differently change anything?  No.  Learn the lesson and move on.

 Figure out what you need in your next job.

By the time I got fired the third time, I just needed a job that would support me and not fire me.  I stand by my choice, as over the last several years I’ve had the chance to build up a confidence in myself that just did not exist three years ago.  What do you need out of your job?  What is important to you?  What did your old job not do for you?

 Keep moving forward.

Applying for jobs sucks.  Networking sucks.  But you know what doesn’t suck?  Looking at all the possibilities for new jobs!  Imagining yourself in a new, exciting career!  There are so many options!  This door closed so you could open another cooler, more personal door.  You’re going to have to work for it, and it sure isn’t going to be easy, but let this new chapter be as exciting and rewarding as possible.

Not everything is 100% where I want it to be right now, even three years after that awful summer, but trying to switch careers is a very different issue than getting fired.  I got “getting over getting fired” on lock.  To be fair, there is no single right answer for how to bounce back from getting fired, but these tips helped me get through it.  Don’t beat yourself up – you’re a great kid with a ton of potential.  Now you finally get to use it.

Let's pick apart the new Wet Hot American Summer trailer

Wet Hot American Summer is a great American comedy.  What an excellent addition to cinematic history.  I can't emphasize enough what a treasure Wet Hot is to the film community at large.

I was excited about the season on Netflix for a couple reasons.  One, the whole cast is back.  Two, it's a prequel.  I mean, that is genius right there.  Just genius.  Literally genius.  I am not misusing the word genius.  Finally, they added new cast members which, yes, sort of feels like a stunt, but do you see me being mad about it?  Because I'M NOT MAD.  I'm not mad at all.  I am the opposite.

I always love seeing H. Jon Benjamin in person.  Who doesn't?  He's better-looking as a cartoon spy, sure, but his presence is much appreciated.

Paul Rudd's entrance - a week late, ruins a motorcycle, doesn't care about anything and immediately asks "who beefed?" - is everything I've missed about that character.

Are you excited to explore more of Bradley Cooper's character's relationship with Amy Poehler's character AND Michael Ian Black's character?  Because I AM SO EXCITED.  Oh, the beginnings of Bradley being railroaded by terrifying Amy.  Oh, the start of a new romantic adventure between Bradley and Michael.  Oh my god.  How am I supposed to wait 4 weeks.  I can't.

Christopher Meloni's hair before he admits to being in the military?  SO GOOD.  Why won't he admit he was in the military?  No idea, can't wait to find out why.  How we find out he was in the military?  He catches a broom and then spins it in a circle.  Literally.  Like, I think I can do that.  Maybe I was in the military too.

"Tell me you don't want to hack yourself off a slice of this long, greasy dick?" Paul Rudd can seduce anybody with any line.  I'm curious, Paul.  I wouldn't lie to you.

Nurse Nancy gives Elizabeth Banks her diaphragm and Elizabeth Banks squishes it to make sure it works and then calls her a real pal.  That is my favorite scene in the trailer.  Notice how seriously Nurse Nancy takes Elizabeth Banks's "left the ol' diaphragm at home" emergency.  How helpful she is by reaching into her own trousers and pulling out her own diaphragm for Elizabeth.  How Elizabeth throws the diaphragm in the air to evaluate its usefulness and, upon hearing a rather graphic squish, deems it acceptable.  How grateful Elizabeth Banks is for the diaphragm.

Also Elizabeth Banks's outfit is on point.

Kristen Wiig's ability to be the worst and most awkward flirter despite being a very attractive woman is always amazing to watch.  Great addition.

Adding Jordan Peele, John Slattery, Michael Cera, Josh Charles, Chris Pine, Weird Al Yankovic, and Lake Bell are all inspired choices.  Reintroducing Judah Friedlander as Molly Shannon's dipshit of a husband?  Oh god.  Can't wait.

Introducing Jon Hamm?  I don't know, that kid looks like he's got a bright future ahead of him.

Check the trailer out if you like comedy and maybe great storytelling too.

Bacon's Sizzle Reel: Footloose

A couple years ago, I was blessed enough to come across an old movie from the 80s titled Valley Girl, in which a girl from the San Fernando Valley (as if!) engages in a star-crossed romance with a kid from a different school.  The kid was Nic Cage, and the movie was stellar and tailor-made for live tweeting.

That was a really fun experience for me, so I decided I wanted to live tweet again, except by tweet I mean blog.  And I wanted to pick an actor and revisit some of their old roles in different movies.

Picking an actor was tough.  Obviously Nicolas Cage came to mind.  I thought that would be too on the nose, so I decided against it.

I went through a lot of options.  Jim Carrey I checked out, but he has literally no movies on Netflix (how is that even possible?), and since I'm lazy and only watching movies I can find on Netflix, I crossed him off the list.
Harrison Ford is prolific, but he only plays Harrison Ford and stars in Harrison Ford movies.  Every movie has similar elements.  Liam Neeson was nixed for the same reason.  As was George Clooney.  Will Smith.  I wanted somebody who played both leads and bit parts - someone who showed up in movies you had no idea they were in.  Fun surprise cameos every now and then.
Gabrielle Union was a strong option.  She was in Two Can Play at That Game as a supporting character, and I love that movie.  She was in She's All That.  Another classic.  She starred in a BET movie about a responsible woman holding her siblings together - Mary Jane.  Another great one.  I realized, however, that I had seen most of the movies she was in that currently stream on Netflix, so I decided against Gabrielle Union.
I had narrowed down the list to Kevin Bacon versus Woody Harrelson.  Woody Harrelson was, and still is, a solid choice, but ultimately I decided Kevin Bacon was so much more fun.  Bacon starred in films like Footloose, but he also was in Queen Latifah's Beauty Shop.  Did you know that?  Did you know he was in that movie?  Like, who did he even play?  That's great.  Kevin Bacon is the kind of guy who just surprises you.

Then I suddenly remembered Paul Rudd.  Man, what a talent.  What a varied list of films and roles he's been in.  Clueless, Halloween, Wet Hot American Summer, Anchorman... this was tough.  Who do I choose?

So I called my 20-year-old cousin because I assumed she would answer me, and I assumed correctly.  She told me her roommates had no idea who Kevin Bacon is, which was a statement that sounded like mostly gibberish to me.  What does that sentence even mean, "I don't know who Kevin Bacon is"?  What are you trying to say here?
I feel, then, that it is my duty to educate whoever comes across this blog on the storied and wondrous career Kevin Bacon has had throughout the decades.  Maybe I will choose Paul Rudd movies next, although more likely I will choose my man Woody H or my lady Gabrielle U.
Kevin Kline's list of works on Netflix is confounding.  Maybe I'll go through his films as well.  (Films only - television would take too long.  This also conveniently saves me from having to watch The Following.)

Seriously.  This is the most random collection of film and television.  If someone yesterday had asked me "what's the link here?" I would have been like "all of these projects were made."

Okay, let's get started.  I'm going with chronological order with what's on Netflix.  Unfortunately, Netflix doesn't have Animal House or Friday the 13th, so our first Kevin Bacon movie is the 1984 classic Footloose!


Oh man.  The opening is the Footloose song.  That's so good.
People's feet tapping to it.
Literally cannot even fathom people not liking this.
Oh shit John Lithgow and Sarah Jessica Parker in the credits.  It has been a million years since I've seen this movie.  I am so excited.

Some of these shoes are so 80s.
That sequence went on for 2 minutes 35 seconds.

Kevin Bacon is so over Preacher John Lithgow railing against rock n' roll.
3 minutes 42 seconds in, lady in the bottom right-hand corner is so concerned about rock n' roll right now.

Girls gossiping about how cute Kevin Bacon is while in church.  Religious small towns, am I right?
Kid being woken up during mass at 4:52 is everything I know about Sunday mass.

5:25 - Sarah Jessica Parker calls Kevin Bacon a "stunning new gentleman" which is maybe one of the best compliments I've heard in a while.  Religious small towns in the 80s, am I right?

5:31 - oh my god those girls just laughed at his name are you serious?  It's Ren.  I will be calling him Kevin Bacon though.

5:34 - John Lithgow's daughter is not impressed with Kevin Bacon like the other girls are.  Romance is in the air.

6:10 - woah one of their high school buddies just had her baby and isn't 100% sure who the father is?  Damn.  Religious small towns, am I right?

6:56 - drag race with 4 girls in one sedan junker versus one guy in a souped up pickup truck junker.  Also, he has a boombox set up behind him.  Technology.

6:59 - just fully appreciated his deer antlers on the roof of his truck.  Damn.  He put those there on purpose.

7:24 - wait.  Wait.  Preacher's daughter Ariel is going from sedan to the truck while both are driving at a fairly high speed?  She is so crazy. I was in high school and never that crazy.  She must be rebelling against her ridiculously strict preacher father who hates rock n' roll.

8:45 - Ariel makes bad choices, like having one foot precariously in two different car windows at the same time while driving towards a big truck, then choosing the deer antler pick-up truck guy as the person she wants to bone.

9:16 - Kevin Bacon making enemies on his first day in town by defending the book Slaughterhouse Five.  Let's appreciate how upset you'd be if you were Kevin Bacon right now.  Mom just moved him to this town while he was still in high school.  He came from somewhere that let him read Slaughterhouse Five, now they wont even LET HIM ROCK N' ROLL.

10:20 - Kevin Bacon's cousin who is like 10 years younger than him just said, "if you ask me, [Kevin Bacon] is a total fox."  What.  Religious small towns, am I right?

10:28 - Kevin Bacon's uncle more upset at his daughter's use of the word "fox" than at her inappropriate feelings.  RST, AIR?

10:32 - the place everyone goes to is called The Spot LOL.

11:02 - it's nighttime now.  Ariel's friends see her at The Spot with deer antler boy and are pissed at her for being so stupid.  They make comments about the boy she's with having graduated high school, which means he drives a pick-up in his hometown with deer antlers on it and chases after high school girls.  Ariel knows how to pick 'em.

11:36 - oh damn, Ariel playing rock n' roll in public at The Spot.  Everyone likes it though.
Is it rock n' roll?  Sounds like 80s pop.  I'm too young, maybe.  Point is the same.

11:53 - lol at the girl dancing while on the payphone.

12:04 - how is everyone able to hear this boombox?  Even the guy in the kitchen?

12:36 - everyone is a pretty good dancer considering they're not allowed to listen to this stuff.

12:41 - busted.  Preacher John Lithgow is here.

13:34 - Kevin Bacon is putting on a tie as he gets ready for school.  Kevin Bacon in so freaking dope in this movie so far.
Mom says maybe don't wear the tie, he can dress like David Bowie when he goes off to college.
I am too young to understand how wearing a tie to school makes you David Bowie.

14:01 - Kevin Bacon shows up in his yellow bug blasting actual rock n' roll music.  I was correct in assuming Ariel was playing pop.  I am not crazy.  Nice.

14:45 - some male student just randomly yells at Kevin Bacon to comb his hair.  WHAT IS THIS.

15:09 - Kevin Bacon makes friends with Willard after making fun of the guy's cowboy hat.  Boys.

16:02 - solid masturbation joke.

16:40 - I guess Kevin Bacon is so cool he gets college girls to dance even though he's still in high school?  Willard is eating this shit up.  Insert previous masturbation joke here.

17:46 - solid burn by making up that whole story.  Nice.  Kevin Bacon is so damn cool.

18:25 - Kevin Bacon's response to finding out dancing is illegal is "jump back."  What a great response.  I'm using that forever now.

19:40 - solid "Who's on first" wordplay with Men at Work and The Police.

21:23 - what is this music and darkness at the preacher's home?  And his very calm, very creepily chill attitude towards Ariel listening to pop music at The Spot is much scarier than if he was just yelling.  He's probably one of those dads who doesn't get angry, he gets "disappointed."

21:48 - not getting emotional creates a distance.  Ariel just wants some sort of response and he's just like "I can't always look out for you."  Oh man, she is eating this shit up.  Why does Ariel make bad decisions with the men in her life?  This scene right here.

23:30 - deer antler pick up truck guy's name is Chuck.  OF COURSE IT IS.  We just had our first Chuck vs. Kevin Bacon verbal stand-off.  Kevin Bacon won easily.  Not a fair fight.

24:22 - never seen somebody get so excited work at a steel mill as Kevin Bacon is right there.

24:46 - woah, Ariel coming on strong to Kevin Bacon right now.  Must be how hard he shut down Chuck a minute ago.

24:50 - never mind, she's delivering an invitation to fight Chuck.

25:26 - oh man, Kevin's smile when Ariel tells him she volunteered to invite him to Chuck's fight.  He's so into it.  He's so cocky.  He's so cool.

26:20 - Ariel's pants unzipped with Chuck?  Damn girl.

26:55 - Ariel wants out of this small town.  Chuck tell her she's as small town as they come.  GET OUT ARIEL GET OUT.

27:05 - "A chicken race?  With tractors?"  Kevin Bacon is not impressed with Chuck's choice for the manliness competition.

27:54 - wait is Chuck smoking weed right now?  THIS IS A NEW REVELATION FOR ME.  This movie has like a PG rating or something.  How?  Pants unzipped all over the place, cousins calling each other foxes, catty jokes about teen pregnancy resulting from teen promiscuity, and drugs.  This is hardcore stuff.

28:28 - what state are they in?  There are hills in the background.  Hmm...

29:00 - Appreciating the fact that Chuck turned on his boombox so they could listen to "I Need a Hero" during tractor chicken race.

30:24 - so much I don't understand about small towns, I realize as I watch this tractor chicken fight.

30:40 - oh damn, Kevin Bacon's shoelace is caught!  He wants to jump but he can't!

30:59 - AWESOME THAT'S A WIN FOR KEV KEV.

31:54 - oh, Sarah Jessica Parker is giving Ariel the scoop on Kevin Bacon's schedule.  Ariel has a crush.  Nice.  Chuck is no good.  Kevin is great.

32:20 - "I never thought he had all his dogs barking anyway."  Sarah Jessica Parker talking about Chuck.  Man, she has some killer lines in this movie.

33:09 - everybody smokes weed in this movie.  Holy smokes.  Literally.  I have not seen a single alcoholic beverage (even bad boy Chuck was having a Coca Cola at The Spot, which, like, I know he was driving, but there is no way that guy is not guzzling a beer while driving that truck past sundown) but I've seen people smoking the marijuana plant multiple times.

33:12 - Kevin Bacon already has his own weed dealer.  I was not this cool in high school, and I'm from a suburb, which is at least a little cooler than a small town.  Right?  Right?

33:25 - woah, Kevin Bacon got set up by that kid with the Dylann Roof haircut to have a joint in his hand, and the teacher caught him, so Kevin... runs?  He runs for it?  Woah.  I would not be cut out for this small town.
The moral of this story is never trust a white kid with a bowl haircut past the age of 8.

33:49 - everyone is out to get Kevin Bacon because he messed with Chuck and likes Slaughterhouse Five.  Damn.

35:31 - Kevin Bacon drives into an abandoned warehouse smoking what I have to assume is a joint.  Been a long day, buddy.

35:46 - We have our first alcohol sighting!!  Kevin Bacon was drinking a beer while driving???  Dude, not even Chuck does that.  Kevin.  Buddy.  I know it's been a rough day but this is a PG movie so maybe cool it with the drinking for the kids watching at home.

36:07 - these flashbacks are intense, as is this 80s song right now.

36:15 - Kevin Bacon throws his beer bottle and then starts dancing.  This scene is about to get incredible.  Empty warehouse 80s dancing fueled by drugs and alcohol.

36:34 - actually comforting to know Kevin Bacon dances his feelings because now I know I'm not the only one who does that.  Although for me it's typically Cher or Fleetwood Mac or Nicki Minaj.

36:43 - also I never do a cartwheel with no hands.  Is that an aerial?  Is this actually Kevin Bacon dancing?

36:47 - taking the sweater off.  He's for serious.

37:03 - which movie has the most quintessential 80s dance montage?  Footloose?  Flashdance?  Dirty Dancing?  Food for thought.

37:21 - Kevin Bacon just grabbed a rope and swung on it across the warehouse in the dark.  I am reminded that he's been drinking and smoking.

37:29 - in this sequence it is painfully obvious this is not Kevin Bacon but a stunt double.

38:00 - this is the second time we've seen ol' Kev here do straight up gymnastics, and that's never brought up in the movie as a plot point.  I want to know how Kevin, whose mother is so broke she has to move from Chicago (I assume after dad's death?  They allude to that very briefly) to her brother's home in some podunk town in the midwest, got all those gymnastic lessons.  The midwest in the 80s is a dancing, gymnastic, weed-filled Adventureland.

38:04 - with great music.

38:11 - Ariel showed up.  I'll say it.  Stalker status.  Guess SJP is a pretty good sleuth after all.

39:20 - wait I'm confused.  Kevin Bacon has been very interested in Ariel and now all of a sudden she's super forward and he's all "bet you been kissed a lot" which is a shitty, slut-shaming thing to say.  I will chalk it up to him being too nervous to compete with the other fellas.

41:48 - Ariel is now standing in front of a train.  Does she have a death wish?  Or is she unable to get off without some form of extreme adrenaline rush?

43:09 - Ariel getting caught by Preacher John Lithgow.  Hasn't she done this before?  Sneaking out, I mean.

43:20 - "It's kind of hard to impose a curfew on the young people in my congregation that I can't even enforce in my own home."  Jump back!  The preacher in this town imposes curfews?  Damn son.

43:48 - Preacher John Lithgow says no to his daughter hanging out with Kevin Bacon but where was he when she was fooling around with that idiot Chuck?

44:14 - "There ain't nothing to do with me, Daddy.  You like it or not, this is it.  It doesn't get much better."  Ariel, that's so freaking great.  What a great line.

44:28 - Kevin Bacon got kicked off the gymnastics team.  I want to know more about a 1980s midwestern boys' high school gymnastics team.  Also, I understand the point - Kevin Bacon can't be screwing around with the preacher's daughter - but this raises a couple questions.  First, can't athletes kind of just get away with that thing if they're good enough, or is that football only?  Second, isn't he good enough?  We've seen him, and he's excellent.  Third, if the preacher is so powerful, how come Chuck is allowed to do whatevs when he's obvi a dumbass but Kevin Bacon gets punished?

46:29 - John Lithgow has this speech on lock.

47:50 - joint sighting #4

48:17 - also, did Chuck just go peacefully into the night when Kevin Bacon showed up for his girl?  Haven't seen him.

49:27 - Ariel is with super cool dancer man Kevin Bacon on this double date at this bar across state lines, and SJP is stuck with Willard who won't dance.  SJP bopping in her chair to the music and looking longingly at KB and Ariel is one of the most heartbreaking things I've seen in ages.

50:05 - to be fair, it might be a cigarette, but I'll call this joint sighting #5 for funsies.

50:23 - title song right here!  KICK OFF YOUR SUNDAY SHOES.

50:49 - SJP finally has enough during title song and gets up to dance, leaving Willard alone with his beers.

51:18 - uh oh, SJP is dancing with another man...............

52:25 - SJP dancing with ANOTHER man and it's more intimate.  Willard is not happy.  SJP reminds him again NO FIGHTS but like obvi that's about to happen.  The guy tells Willard to "flake off" which is amazing.  Flake off.
SJP reminds him NO FIGHTS one last time for good measure.

52:38 - well, no fights.  Willard got punched in the nose.  If only he had agreed to dance to begin with.

53:57 - Ariel's older brother was killed in a drunk driving accident on that bridge.  Hence no dancing.  Listen, I get it.  Dancing is the worst.  The WORST.  But I don't see the connection to drinking and driving on a bridge.

55:54 - John Lithgow calls Ariel out on her lie, says she wasn't at a friend's place.  Ariel's all "but maybe you should care more about what I'm doing when I'm right here in front of you because you only care what I'm doing when I'm not around."  And then he slaps her and he's like "oh shit this is real" so he's not a monster just misguided in his concern and unable to open up emotionally.

57:33 - Mrs. Minister, actress Dianne Wiest, is laying it down for John Lithgow.  "You can lift a congregation up so high they have to look down to see heaven.  But it's the one-to-one where you need a little work."  Drop the microphone, get out.

58:14 - ah, here it is.  Chuck set his goons on Kevin Bacon while he's out telling people about the dance he's throwing.

58:38 - but now Kevin has friends and they helped him out.  As did Ariel.  Nice.

58:55 - Kevin Bacon is confused about going to City Hall to demand the rights to a dance.  The best place for this conversation where Willard explains this to him is the boys' locker room.  I have never had to endure being naked in a locker room.  High school in the 80s was a strange and cruel place.

59:36 - kudos to the actor who plays Willard, because he is phenomenal at playing dumb for laughs.  That open-mouthed look is funny every time.

59:53 - Kevin Bacon is teaching Willard how to dance to the song "Let's Hear it for the Boy."  One of the great things about this film is how it takes songs from the Footloose musical and incorporates it into the film without the film itself being a musical.  So good.

1:03:27 - John Lithgow not on board to burn a book.  All of a sudden he's the voice of reason.  It took one conversation with his wife.  Dianne Wiest is literally that powerful.

1:04:26 - wait, let me clarify.  Chuck is done with high school but still hanging around the high school to surprise his old flame Ariel?  Gross.  Gross gross gross.

1:04:30 - joint #6

1:04:58 - "Hey I'm not stupid!" says the guy with the deer antlers on his truck.

1:06:03 - damn, as if we didn't already know Chuck was the worst.  Calls Ariel a bitch in heat and a slut who would sleep with anyone and then beats the shit out of her.

1:06:42 - Kevin Bacon very casual about the fact that Ariel just got the shit beaten out of her.

1:06:57 - Kevin has no beef with Ariel's father, he just wants to dance.  Very deep.  But realizes his words are a little harsh to a woman who just got beat up.

1:08:31 - ugh they're finally making out.  Finally.  Just not sure if Kevin Bacon is all that nice to her honestly.

1:09:36 - "I just know that when kids dance together they become sexually irresponsible."  Yep.

1:09:42 - Dianne Wiest also thought that was a stupid thing to say.  She's laughing.  Nice.

1:09:47 - "You talk like that is the only thing that gets them excited."  Dianne understands most teenagers don't like the act of dancing itself, just the promise of sexual irresponsibility that is sure to follow.

1:10:23 - John Lithgow is bummed by his wife's laughter and turns off the lights.  Dianne gets to the heart of the matter - not undoing their son's death.  Okay this is heavy.

1:10:32 - John Lithgow is trying to say it's about spiritual leadership but Dianne is all "you can't be a father to everybody."  Stop hiding, Johnny.

1:11:03 - Ariel and SJP tryna get people to go to the town meeting to fight the dance ban.  One guy ignores Ariel, so she tries to kick him, and he says "I'll lay you out flat."  Small towns, man.

1:11:09 - Ariel still has her black eye.  Kevin Bacon makes an obligatory comment about it but yo I don't think he's taking this very seriously.  Also, a guy threatened to lay her out flat while she was still sporting that black eye.  There are so many things I didn't pick up on when I saw this movie as a kid.

1:12:00 - Kevin doesn't know what he's going to say at the meeting.  Ariel pulls out a Bible with earmarks on it.  Kevin Bacon is dismissive.  Come on dude are you seriously not putting two and two together on this???????

1:12:06 - oh, now he gets it.  Passages that aren't anti-dancing.  Maybe even pro-dancing.

1:12:18 - Kevin Bacon asks the preacher's daughter how she knew the Bible so well.  "Are you kidding?" she asks.  Rightfully so.  Come on, Kevin.

1:12:42 - someone threw a brick through a window.  Teenagers.  If it was John Lithgow's house, there goes the dancing.  If it was Kevin Bacon's house... I mean, I am just not getting the hate for this kid.  Doesn't everyone want to dance?  And be sexually irresponsible?  Like, isn't this kid super lame for hating on Kevin Bacon's idea?  Teenagers.  What.

1:12:55 - the brick says "burn in hell."  Like, who does that.  Religious small towns in the 1980s, I tell you.

1:13:18 - Kevin Bacon's mom lost her job over Kevin Bacon wanting to dance?  Jeez.  Jesus.  What a horrendous place to live your day-to-day.

1:13:31 - her boss told her she oughta stay home and be a proper mother.  Oh my god.  Women's rights.

1:14:37 - why this dance?  Why this town?  Because Kevin Bacon's dad left and Kevin blamed himself.  Honestly, this movie is all over the place on justifications.  Sometimes simplest answer is the best.

1:15:44 - going through with the town hall debate anyway.  Cool.

1:16:50 - just clarifying that the preacher is on the city council.

1:17:05 - "fraught with genuine peril."  John Lithgow's response to a high school dance.  No mention of brick in window.

1:17:22 - Dianne Wiest's face right now though when hearing her husband talk about "spiritual corruption."  Like "are you fucking kidding with this right now."

1:19:53 - funny speech where Kevin Bacon doesn't know the Bible.  Makes me wish they had let Ariel speak though - why is she letting a boy fight her fights for her?  Most importantly, very solid pronunciation of "Ecclesiastes" for someone who is unfamiliar with the Bible.

1:21:03 - Kevin Bacon just walks out after dropping the metaphorical microphone.  Doesn't he want to see how they vote?  Or do they not vote yet?

1:21:27 - Kevin Bacon's super cool boss pointed out that they already had voted even before the speech.

1:21:46 - "What are you gonna do now?" KB's boss asks.  "It's over."  "What if it ain't?"  Oh damn.  KB's boss pointing out that arbitrary city lines and arbitrary city rules can arbitrarily work out in one's favor.  Now you just gotta convince John Lithgow to be chill and then everyone's chill.

1:23:32 - only just barely see Ariel's black eye now.  Parents have done nothing.  If Kevin Bacon is such a bad kid what about Chuck??????  If dating Ariel gets you kicked off the gymnastics team then what does actually fucking her and then beating the crap out of her get you??????????????????
Nothing.

1:23:54 - "[Kevin Bacon] made a lot of people stop and think."  Ariel.  Girl.  He made people think using YOUR WORDS and YOUR RESEARCH.  Take credit.

1:24:51 - Damn.  Ariel's got stones, admitting to her dad she's not even a virgin.  John Lithgow not happy.

1:25:18 - John Lithgow stopping a book burning and about to give a rousing speech.  I wonder if his speech against book burning will have some similar points to Kevin Bacon's speech against the ban on dancing.

1:26:14 - Kevin Bacon and John Lithgow have a sitdown.  Talking about John Lithgow's son and Kevin Bacon's father.

1:27:29 - aw he was just asking permission to take Ariel to senior prom.  Taking away a woman's agency has never been so heartwarming.

1:27:54 - "I just don't know if I believe in everything you believe in.  But I believe in you."  Ariel to her dad.  KILLER line.

1:29:43 - John Lithgow delivering a tough sermon after making some tough decisions.  "If we don't ever trust our children, how will we ever raise them to be trustworthy?"  Still, no chance he's relenting on the dance thing.

1:30:18 - 80s music starts playing as John Lithgow starts talking about the dance.  It's hopeful... it's hopeful... OH DAMN PRAY TO GUIDE THEM IN THEIR ENDEAVORS.  HE CHANGED HIS MIND.

1:30:45 - perfectly choreographed motorbikes to prom?  All we had was a stupid limo.

1:31:47 - oh never mind, not actual prom yet.  Class is just decorating for prom.  Willard can't blow up his own balloons.  

1:32:12 - Ariel in her prom dress > Molly Ringwald in her prom dress.  Talk about actually Pretty in Pink.

1:32:35 - Dianne Wiest gives Ariel the corsage for two reasons.  1) Kevin Bacon has proven to not be a great boyfriend and probably forgot.  2) Women's lib

1:32:56 - OH WHAT.  Dianne Wiest didn't even buy the corsage, she just put it on Ariel.  John Lithgow bought it.  But he'll deny it for... reasons.

1:33:12 - oh damn, Kevin Bacon lost track of what he was going to say because Ariel is SO BREATHTAKINGLY BEAUTIFUL.

1:33:56 - taking ol' Kevin Bacon's beat-up bug to prom.  We just had a stupid limo.

1:34:37 -  no one dancing at prom.  Probably the lame music they're playing.

1:35:40 - ok, Kevin Bacon is here.  Time to start the party.

1:36:23 - dope sweater John Lithgow is wearing as he checks up on his baby girl.  KB's boss, apparently Andy, says hi as if he didn't have a major part to play in the dance happening to begin with.

1:37:22 - UH OH.  Chuck coming in right after Willard and SJP show up on a motorbike (really regretting that stupid limo).  And he brought his stupid friends.

1:38:48 - Willard trying not to fight because of SJP but then she get manhandled and he gets attacked.  "KILL THE SON OF A BITCH."  Nice.  SJP gets all the best lines.

1:39:52 - after KB and Willard get rid of Chuck and his buddies, Kevin Bacon comes running back inside and yells at everyone to start dancing as glitters falls onto his face.  The 80s.



Great film.  Very 80s in some parts (music, glitter, women, feathered hair) but man.  Kevin Bacon.  That kid is a star, I tell you.

Political Correctness in Comedy

I'm late writing about this, but Jerry Seinfeld said a thing about a week ago and people either got very upset or praised him as a man finally brave enough to speak up for comedy.  He mentioned the young generation was too politically correct, and that why he doesn't play colleges anymore.  Chris Rock said something similar at some other earlier date.
As proof that college kids throw around words like "racist" and "sexist" willy-nilly, Seinfeld mentioned an incident with his fourteen-year-old daughter.  I don't know what generation he's talking about.  It sort of just sounds like an old man complaining about youths, which in that case is legit.  I find youths more intolerable with each passing year.
The incident involved Seinfeld's wife asking her daughter if she wanted to go somewhere to meet boys, and the daughter said "mom, that's sexist."  Seinfeld decided that sort of response is why comedy is dead.
First of all, do not get upset about a thing Jerry Seinfeld said about political correctness.  Seriously, guys.  What a waste of everyone's time.
Secondly, his daughter's response to her mother is hilarious.  I mean, objectively hilarious.  Seinfeld disagrees, which is odd, because I thought comedians were trained to see the comedy in everyday situations.  Isn't observational comedy Seinfeld's bread and butter?  But Seinfeld's comedy is very male, and there is no room for a female perspective.  This is where people who agree with Seinfeld will tune out.  Here, I am being politically correct.  However, I am not criticizing Seinfeld for his maleness in his comedy.  I watch The League, okay.  I think men have the capacity to be very funny.  All I'm saying is that a teenage girl complaining that meeting boys is sexist is funny, and maybe you have to be a female to understand that humor.
Third of all, a fourteen-year-old throwing around the word sexist is very different than a college student throwing around the word sexist.  If you don't want to play colleges because you don't want to play colleges, hey, you're Jerry Seinfeld.  Don't play colleges.  I think playing colleges sounds awful.  You don't even need to defend yourself.  There is something that sounds intrinsically not chill about the idea of playing colleges.  But a fourteen-year-old who grew up wealthy and suburban is obviously not going to have a good grasp on sexism and racism because she hasn't faced much of either.  Your fourteen-year-old daughter is trying to figure out who she is outside of boys, but she doesn't know enough yet to figure out how to state that perspective without sounding ridiculous.  She doesn't have the life experience.  She hasn't done the research.  She just knows she wants to be more than someone who likes boys, so when Mom suggests meeting boys, she gets sassy and throws around the word sexism.  It's funny, right?  Don't you remember the stupid shit you said when you were fourteen and trying to figure yourself out?  How is this not funny?  How are you not able to do a bit about this?  Seinfeld mentioned Louis CK as somehow able to make comedy about political correctness, and the reason is because you can practically hear how different Louis CK's response would have been had this been his daughter.  Louis CK is constantly growing and learning and changing his routine.  He listens to critics, decides whether or not the critiques are valid, and changes or doesn't change accordingly.  That's why his comedy is so good, so fresh, so relevant.  Seinfeld hears his daughter say "that's sexist" and immediately shuts down without bothering to find the funny.  Louis CK would have analyzed the crap out of it and come up with at least something other than "ugh, kids today, amirite?"
And finally.  Political correctness is killing comedy?  If this was even remotely true, then why is comedy is good right now?  Think about how many amazing comedians and comedy groups are performing.  Think about how many sketch shows and sitcoms are on the air right now.  Think about how many great comedies are coming to theaters this year.  Comedy is so good right now.  Take a look at Comedy Central's line-up and tell me political correctness is killing comedy.  Take a gander at FXX's line-up and tell me comedy isn't thriving despite the PC Police.  Look at the HBO shows whose seasons just wrapped up last night!  Look at who's touring these days!  Look at who's releasing books!  Look at who's creating content!  I can't even imagine looking at comedy today and saying "yep, comedy is dead, thanks a bunch fill-in-the-blank reason."  It's just such an idiotic statement.  It's especially mind-boggling to imagine someone working in the field and lamenting the state of comedy today.

If you want to be a curmudgeonly old man who hates the young people and misses the old days, Jerry, that's fine.  It's just a very old, very tired sentiment.  Also, I'm pretty sure you'll never read this, so everybody wins.

Stories from Her Perspective: Entourage

In the wake of the new Entourage movie coming out, I am unfortunately constantly reminded of that horrendous seventh season.

I enjoyed the first several seasons of Entourage.  Vince was boring, but at least he was likable (which, in later seasons, he wasn't).  Ari was funny.  Johnny Drama was the butt of every joke, so it was easier to take his odious personality.  E was a straight shooter, a nice guy, until he became a Nice Guy.  Turtle was an idiot, but then he slimmed down and became the one guy you actually rooted for at the end of the series.  For season eight of Entourage, I have nothing negative to say about Turtle.

Entourage has always had a well-documented woman problem.  There are no major female characters.  Sloan comes closest, or maybe even Babs, and they're hardly "major" characters the way the five main characters are.  That's fine.  This is a guy's show.  I genuinely don't mind a show of mostly guys.  None of my favorite movies pass the Bechdel Test.  That doesn't mean the story is bad or even sexist.  It just means it's a mostly guy show.

The woman problem comes from, in my opinion, whether or not the story makes sense when you tell it from Her perspective.  If there are giant leaps in logic that determine a woman's behavior in a Dude story, that's where the woman problem comes in.

(My favorite movies, for the record, are Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, The Big Lebowski, and Black Dynamite.  In Bill & Ted, the princesses go from marrying royal ugly dudes in the middle ages to dating Bill & Ted in the 1980s and being introduced to credit cards and something called the mall.  You get their perspective - that is a giant step forward any way you look at it.  In Big Lebowski, Bunny Lebowski wants to have a good time and get paid.  Maude wants a baby.  Black Dynamite is a perfectly done spoof, and you would have to be crazy to not want some of Black Dynamite's loving.  Having a male-dominated movie or TV show does not give your story a woman problem.  Having stupid woman characters whose actions make no sense gives your story a woman problem.)

Let's start with Sophia.  Sophia is played by Alice Eve.  Below is Sophia.

Wow.  Sophia is a beautiful woman.  High five to Sophia.

Sophia is a renowned and respected journalist.  She moves in circles with major political and economic figures.  She is extremely educated.  She requests multiple times, at first politely and then firmly, that Vince stop hitting on her during their interview.  Vince thinks he's being cute and ignores her request.  Vince is a dipshit.

Sophia finally writes down her exact experiences with Vince in an article for Vanity Fair.  Vince doesn't like the idea that he has to deal with the consequences of his very real actions and asks for a second chance.  Also, he continues to ask for a date, because he has learned literally nothing.  Sophia, renowned and respected journalist who works with politicians and economists and world leaders, keeps giving this entitled actor the time of day for pretty much no reason.

Finally, Vince decides to go back to all his ex-girlfriends and get them to make a video of how great he is.  He gives Sophia the video.  She marries him.

Let's go through Sophia's thought process here.

"Oh, hello world, my name is Sophia.  I am a respected journalist.  Do you know how hard that is?  In a dying industry of fewer and fewer movers and shakers, I emerge as brilliant.  Yes, please, hold your applause, thank you.  Look at me.  I am a sight to behold.  I am out of your league.  I demand intellectual respect.  I demand all your attention.  I am here to do my job, damn it.

"Ugh, fluff piece.  Have to interview this overexposed, overrated actor.  Great.  Oh, he's hitting on me.  Sir, can you not?  Oh, he thinks I'm joking, because he is actually used to women throwing themselves at him.  Snore.  Yawn.  Gross.  Wow, he will not stop.  He cannot answer a question without flirting.  This is insane.  I'm not even being full of myself right now, he literally cannot help himself.  That's pathetic.  It's borderline sad.  How is he so incapable of interacting with a female without the intention of fucking her?  This is ridiculous.  This is my article.  I am writing about the real Vinny Chase right now.

"Oh, he doesn't like it.  Duh.  Maybe he shouldn't have acted that way.  Oh my god, is he using this article as an excuse to get a date?  Does he have a reading comprehension problem?  Is this real?  How else do I express my desire for him to stop hitting on me?  In what way can I express that desire so that he finally says to himself, 'huh, maybe I should stop hitting on her?'  Literally I am out of ideas.  I have been nice about it.  I have been stern about it. I have written an article about it.  The man is unstoppable.

"La la la, few days to live my life without any interaction with Vincent Chase.  Oh my god.  What is this video.  Is this real?  Fine.  Fine, I will watch the video.  It's a bunch of his old girlfriends talking about how great he was as a boyfriend.  This is important, because doesn't everyone hate their exes?  Wow.  He has a lot of exes.  Jesus Christ.  That is more exes than I expected.  Can some of these even count as exes?  How many of these are just one-night stands?  I mean, really?  

"Video keeps going.  Oh, keeps going.  How cute.  Oh wow.  The cutest.  I'm in love now.

"Well, I'm convinced.  Now that I know he was a good boyfriend, which is all that I needed to know, I can finally give in to his charms.  We should get married.  Let that be a lesson to all men hitting on women in inappropriate situations.  If she says no, you just used the wrong tack.  Try again."

Apparently they get divorced before the movie takes place, which is literally a week after the show ends.  So that marriage, of Vincent Chase to a respected journalist he continued to hit on despite her many pleas to just let her do her job, lasted all of a few days.  So that whole thing where Vincent wins in that situation, even though he has no business winning?  It was to be with a girl for less than a week.

Look forward to more in this series about:

Emma Stone from Superbad

Tara from Sons of Anarchy

Sook-yin Park in The Interview

Is he okay?

Recently there was an article about a 19-year-old track star at UPenn who ran off a seven-story building to her death.  Her depression has become overwhelming and she thought suicide was the best answer.  It's a tragic story about a young girl with a bright future and a loving family who wasn't getting the treatment she needed to deal with her illness.

The story came with a trigger warning, and while I have mixed feelings about trigger warnings in general, I cried off and on for the next few hours of the day.  I don't have any close friends who have committed suicide.  I don't have any children.  For most of the article, I was a sympathetic bystander - not emotionally invested in the story, but sorry for the girl and her loved ones.

However, the article eventually came to the part of the story when the parents were first told their child was hurt.  That moment is present in all of these stories, and I'm somehow blinded by it every time.  In this instance, the police called the girl's parents after they found her on the pavement, cold and unmoving, and told them something had happened.

"Is she okay?" They asked.

The answer was no.  Because the answer is always no in that situation.

The question itself is filled with an optimism that, rationally, isn't earned.  If the police are calling you about your child, your child is not okay.  But your mind can't be rational at that point.  What you're about to be told is something you don't want to hear, something you aren't able to process, and you're begging to be told something that doesn't make sense, because otherwise you're about to find out something you might never recover from.

I was about to turn 21 when I called my grandparents one morning in Boston to thank them for the birthday card they sent me.  Grandpa asked me if I had heard about the Johnson* boy, and that it was too bad what had happened.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"It's in the paper."

"What paper?"

"Oh, the Star I think."

"What happened?"

"He went hiking by himself and he fell."

"Is he okay?"

Grandpa had started the story with "shame about the Johnson boy."  If I had bothered to think about it, or wanted to think about it, I would have known the answer without asking.

"Well, no, he... He died."

Everything inside me seized up.  The Johnson family was close to ours.  My dad had been the best man at their wedding.  The daughter was seven months younger than me, and the son (now deceased) was within a year younger than my brother.  They had had some issues during their high school years, some really tough times in their family, but the daughter was doing well in college now, and the son had just graduated high school, and it felt like they were finally out of the woods and that things were going to be okay.  

Grandpa tried to keep talking to me, asking me about school and my social life, but I wasn't much good at responding.  I needed confirmation that he was right, that this boy was dead, before I would allow myself to believe it.  Maybe there was a mistake, somebody got the story wrong, maybe the Johnson boy was actually just fine.

I ran to my room and went on Facebook. His Facebook name was Bill Cosby.  This was before it was common knowledge that Bill Cosby was a serial rapist, and most people still thought of Bill Cosby as the square who told kid-friendly jokes and wore awesome sweaters.  It was a dumb thing, a very eighteen-year-old boy thing, to change your Facebook name to Bill Cosby.  It was funny too, in that very stupid, teenage boy kind of way.  It was funny for the same reason farts are funny, or the word "boobs" is funny, or wearing a DARE shirt while smoking weed is funny.  Making the square, kid-friendly, pudding-loving comedian from the 80s your profile name is, in teenage boy terms, hilarious.

Comment after comment from his friends lamenting his passing and how they couldn't believe it and how this couldn't be real confirmed Grandpa had the facts right.  I immediately started bawling.  Bill Cosby was a good kid, and funny and fun to hang out with, and pretty fucking smart, and it just sucked so much that we weren't going to be able to see what happened next with him.

I called my parents but they weren't answering.  Mom was at yoga or brunch or something like that.  My brother was still asleep.  Dad was playing basketball with his Saturday morning crew and wasn't answering his phone.  I left Dad a message telling him to call me as soon as possible.

Finally, an hour later, I heard from him.

"Hey Caitles!"  That is a nickname I tried to give myself in 10th grade that only caught on after I got to college, well after the period of time I wanted it to stick.  I suppose that is the penance for giving yourself a nickname - it sticks when it feels like sticking.  

"Hi.  How are you?"

"Oh, just ducky.  Played basketball.  It's a beautiful day.  Gonna run some errands and then relax in the backyard."

It sunk in that my dad had no idea his best friend's son had just died the day before.  I felt even worse.

"Have you talked to Mr. Johnson?" I asked.

"Not recently.  So how are you?"

"Have you talked to Mr. Johnson?"

"No.  Why are you asking that?"

"Something happened..." My voice caught.

"I got a missed call from an 818 number I didn't recognize.  Maybe that was him."

Mr. Johnson doesn't have a cell phone, even now, so that sounded like it was well within the realm of possibility, for my dad to not have his best friend's phone number saved.

"Something happened to Bill.  He went hiking and he fell-"

"Is he okay?" My dad asked.  He sounded angry but I knew he wasn't.  When Dad gets panicked his voice gets harsher, as if yelling scares away whatever thing he's currently afraid of.

At this point I was sobbing again.  

"No.  Dad, he's dead."

"I gotta go," my dad said, and promptly hung up on me.  

The story about the girl's suicide got me thinking about Bill Cosby Johnson for the rest of the day, and I had trouble getting the energy up to go see the shows I needed to see that night (for friends, for class, etc).  I kept going back to that moment - "is he okay?"- when you hold on to that one last optimist shred of hope that whatever happened to your kid is fixable, reversible, not all that bad.  I kept imagining being in the room with those parents when they got that phone call, as their entire lives came crashing about them.  I kept remembering my dad telling me how great his day was until I told him it wasn't.  I kept imagining Mr. Johnson calling the search party for his son when Bill didn't come home, and his face when they found him.  I kept remembering my dad telling me how depressed Mr. Johnson was, and how he'd go to bed some nights hoping he wouldn't wake up.

I remembered there was only one memory my brain felt capable of going back to in the weeks that followed Bill's death.  It was when we were kids, and Bill and his sister and I all went hiking by the creek near my house.  The parents were in my yard, barbecuing and having a great time.  Bill fell into the creek.  He was only down to his belly button, but it felt like mortal danger.  And I kept shouting at him "get out!  Get out!" But I was frozen and couldn't move to help him.  And finally he got out, and I had done nothing about it, and maybe I couldn't help anybody ever, and now that same boy was dead.

I was having a long day when I read that article about the UPenn student's suicide.  I had work from 9-6.  I had two shows, one for a friend and one for class, that I had to see.  And I cried for a while in memory of young Bill's death, because it had been a while since I thought about it, and because it still doesn't seem fair.

"Is he okay?"

No.  And he's not going to be.

Coming of Age: Ruminations of Pregnophobia and Tampons

You know, adulthood is kind of terrifying still, a few years into it, pretty much everyday.  Like, if you get fired, how do you pay your bills?  And how many of your friends sympathy text you before having some fancy dinner at a sitdown restaurant you can't afford anymore?  Any time I go to a restaurant I'm still worried I'm making a huge mistake and I'll lose my job tomorrow and I will regret spending my money on this nonsense.

Or you go on Facebook, and you see that one popular kid from high school - the one who asked you back in 11th grade why you have a picture of the PE teacher on your shirt when it's clearly Walter Sobchak and The Dude, and she tries to make fun of you about it but all you're thinking is how much hipper and cooler and more worldly you are, so you walk away mostly confused about how she's supposed to be higher up the food chain than you are - you see that girl works out regularly and has a job in business analytics making six figures a year and goes on vacation and talks about how big of a nerd she is because she took a picture in front of a museum and she's just so fucking happy, like some kind of... put-together asshole.

Or maybe you don't get fired and it's just the opposite - you get promoted at that job you were just supposed to do until the other, better thing came along.  And you tell yourself, "hey, I'm supporting myself, fuck the haters" until you see your friends getting their dream jobs, or, even worse, your dream job. 

You go to a friend's house and you don't see the wires for the TV anymore and everything is organized and put away and fully decorated and maybe they have a case of freshly-cut flowers and you realize maybe it's time to be embarrassed about still having a futon in your living room.

I like adulthood though.  It comes with a driver's license, an ability to rent a car, alcohol, and people taking you seriously when you have no right to be taken seriously.  That last thing is so dope.  I love when people pay attention to me.

To get to adulthood from childhood we have to go through puberty.  Of the three stages I don't think there's even a question adulthood is the best.  Would you rather be an adult or a fourteen-year-old?  I remember my mom driving me home from a soccer game one day.  I was thirteen.  And I started crying for literally no reason.  Hormones?  I mean, we won the game.  I got along with my teammates.  It was mid season.  I played the whole game.  My mom panicked when she saw me.  Why was her kid crying?  She likes for things to make sense.  She's very rational.  She wants to fix a thing if something is wrong.  But how do you fix a thing if you don't know what's wrong?  Now when I cry I can tell you why.  I have a much better hold of my emotions.  That's another really great thing about adulthood.

But things get weird physically too.  I have a handle on my body now - sort of. I'm on the pill but I always need to borrow a tampon for my first bleed each month.  It's a simple enough explanation - if I prepare for my period, it will not come, and if it does not come, then I am pregnant.  I have five weeks of laundry in the basket and clothes on the floor and paintings I bought that need to be hung around the apartment but I don't have any nails even though I work right next to a hardware store.  I could not have a baby right now.  There's just no way.  So I let my superstition play out each month and I always borrow a tampon and look at me now I'm still not pregnant.

I have been afraid of waking up pregnant since I was thirteen.  I graduated high school still a virgin.  It's just this phobia I have.  Still.  At 25.

When the Period Fairy first struck my cycle, I was 12.  I remember bringing a pad with me into the bathroom at soccer camp.  My teammate asked me if I had my period and I told her that it was actually my second period.  She had to know I was not a period noob.

My mom and my doctor started to recommend tampons.  LOL.  Like I'm about to shove something up there and keep it there for eight hours.  My doctor gently suggested it.  I have never felt more betrayed by a doctor.  My mother was more insistent.  She said it would be easier for me to move around.  She bought tampons with cardboard applicators and told me to stick it up there with my hands and take the cardboard out while I'm having my period time and I was just not into it.  No no no, no thank you, no.  I am happy with my pads.

My mom kept insisting so I tried it again on a day I didn't have school and she didn't have work.  "How does it feel?" She asked.

"Okay," I said.  "I feel it a little bit but it doesn't hurt that bad so I'll get used to it."

"No.  You did it wrong.  You shouldn't feel it at all."

"No, it's in there."

"Not if you feel it.  Take it out."

So I took it out and tried again and failed again and went back to my pads.

Still my mom wasn't giving up, so next month I tried it again and I did it!  I got it up there!  Fully up there!  Complete success!

...except the applicator got stuck.

I called my mom into the bathroom and she was pretty grossed out because there's my vagina and there's the tampon string coming out and on the other side is a bloody piece of cotton and there's too many bodily fluids and it's just so gross.

I don't think they tell moms how to deal with your kid's first twelve or twenty periods.  On the one hand, my mom wanted to help.  On the other, she didn't want to see my period this close.

So I was freaking out because the applicator was stuck and maybe I had to go to the hospital because I was pretty sure this was how you get toxic shock syndrome.  And Mom was telling me to just pull it out but I knew this was going to hurt so she had to do it.

And God bless her, but Mom did it.  And it was painless and easy and I've been wearing tampons ever since.

A year or so later my mother decided I was a pro now and she was going to save some money by purchasing tampons without applicators.  That was obviously a ridiculous notion and I was not, thank you very much, going to use a tampon without some application assistance.  I'll use cardboard but I draw the line there.  

"That's how they do it in Europe," she said, but we are American and Europeans don't shower or shave so the personal hygiene thing is not their strong suit.  I know this isn't true, I know that Europeans shower and shave, but my mom was also wrong because i have never been to a place where I couldn't find a tampon with an applicator - not here, not in Europe, not anywhere.  I understand the tampon is a relatively recent invention, and my mom lived in France in 1975.  This just further confirms my love of the 21st century.

I loved tampons so much I converted my friends into tampon girls instead of pad girls.  One of my friends bled on my sheets at a sleepover while wearing one but remained on that tampon train despite the embarrassment because tampons were just that great.  Another friend told me that tampons were a way to lose your virginity (which, as a teenage good girl, is a big part of your human worth) and I couldn't believe a fifteen-year-old could say that with a straight face now that the Internet has been invented and we all have cell phones.  And of course, there were rumors that, once you started having sex, you wouldn't enjoy it as much because the tampon would desensitize you.

That, my friend, is a small penis.

Anyway, puberty is confusing and so are social interactions, but now I buy my own tampons and wear down people into becoming my friends, so things are definitely on the up from where I was twelve years ago.  I remember getting frustrated with my period when I was younger.  I had cramps.  I never had a tampon or knew who to ask for a tampon.  But now?  That monthly reminder that I'm not pregnant?  I love it. As a single adult, it's guaranteed to be at least one thing that puts a smile on my face once every four weeks.  

"Good job, Caitlin!" My period says.  "You may not be as adult as you should be by now, but at least it's just you you have to worry about."

(Stay tuned for the next installment, ten years from now, where I discuss how terrifying parenthood is.)

(Also, this is not an indictment of anyone my age with children - you are just much more mature than I am.)