Girl Travels Alone Part 1: Belize in Yourself

      This trip is the longest I've traveled by myself.  The only other time I've gone on a trip alone where I wasn't planning on meeting up with a friend was 4 days in Portugal at the end of my semester abroad back in college, and I spent most of the time wishing I had done it sooner.
      I love traveling when I get the chance, and at this point I'm pretty good at it.  When issues come up during traveling, I handle them better than I would in any other situation.  I think removing myself from my usual surroundings somehow makes me calmer, more rational, better at adapting than I usually am in my day-to-day.

      I landed in Belize City around noon yesterday.  Customs was a breeze.  The next step was getting across the country to San Ignacio.  I figured by bus it would take about 2 hours, and my research told me I could get one right at the airport.  I also knew Belize City had a reputation for being a little dangerous and not particularly easy on the eyes anyway, so I was hoping to avoid it.  Plus, while I had a good amount of US cash on me, I had no Belizean dollars because I just sort of forgot to exchange money.
     But I couldn't be too worried because right now, at this very moment, I was in Belize.  What a beautiful place to land.  Sunny when I came down.  I was ecstatic to be here.

Thanks, Belize!  Feels good.

      Luckily, as it turns out, US currency is accepted anywhere in the country.  It's two Belizean dollars for one US dollar.  As long as you have US cash you're fine.

      I quickly found out I would have to go to town to get the bus - there is no shuttle as I had previously thought.  So I made an impulse decision to check out a car rental.  The shuttle to San Ignacio would be cheap and easy, but the bus from San Ignacio to Placencia, my second part of the trip, sounded like a 5 hour venture with three changeovers, and the private transport (more direct) was expensive.  So when the car was less expensive than I thought it would be, I decided that was going to be the easiest thing.
      The radio doesn't work, and I think the thing is 15 years old, and it's a car make I'd never heard of (Daihatsu?), but it drives when you step on the gas.  That meant for the first two hours of my time in Belize, I drove in silence across the country.
      This was absolutely the best way to start my trip.  I forget how seldom I have silence, and it was a nice transition to vacation.  I talked to myself for the first hour because I have some interesting things to say and I, for my part, am always curious to hear them, but after a while I ran out of topics and enjoyed a roadway clear of traffic, stop signs, or traffic lights.

Belizean roads.

      I got lost for about thirty minutes as I accidentally started heading to Mexico (not a great map, if I'm being honest), so the trip took really took three hours.  The drive over is when I realized I forgot to pack any sports bras, which is cool because I was hoping to spend a bunch of time exploring ruins in 80 degree weather.
      Also, the toilet situation in most places in Belize is not great.  It is the second worst country I've been to for toilets, after France.  France has a really bad plumbing situation.  At least in Belize it's not just a hole in the ground.

Seen about 30 minutes east of San Ignacio.

      ANYWAY I got to San Ignacio around 3:30 in the afternoon.  Parking was hard because, while the streets do have names in San Ignacio, I can't find any of them clearly marked on street signs.  Luckily, everyone was really helpful, and I eventually found where I was supposed to park, and from there found my hotel.

San Ignacio hotel selfie.

      You can't park at the Venus hotel because it's on a pedestrian street, which is why it was such a challenge, but once I found a good parking lot and got to my hotel, I was glad to be on a street without cars.  It turns out I had picked a pretty central place in town.

Burns Ave at 7:30 AM.

Also seen at 7:30 AM.  Lots of dogs in San Ignacio.

      I hadn't really eaten lunch, and it was about 4 PM, so I decided to take a walk to find a good place.  I first booked a tour group trip to Tikal, Guatemala, for tomorrow morning, and then told the parking people I wouldn't be picking up my car tomorrow morning after all.  They didn't seem worried about it, and said as long as I was a guest of the Venus Hotel I was okay.  They directed me to Mom's Backyard for Belizean food.
      Mom's Backyard overlooks the town and the nearby river.  I got traditional rice, fried plantain, coleslaw, and stewed chicken with an ice cold beer for a total of $5US.  I couldn't get a picture of the view because it was too dark out, and I didn't get a picture of my food because I forgot.
      I was on the balcony outside, sitting alone.  Another table of three guys invited me over.  Rainer, studying in Mexico at the moment, was German and traveling for a bit while on break from school.  Martin, a Swedish bartender, took some time off work to explore Central America.  Rudy lived in San Ignacio and is something of a local celebrity.

      Everybody knew Rudy.

      Rudy has been to places in the US I haven't been to.  He was a musician.  He was in the military.  He gave tours.  He dispensed life advice.  He showed you a good time in town.  When you're with Rudy, nobody bothers you.  Rudy explained this to me himself, but from what I gathered it was actually true.
      Martin was pleasant, always smiling.  Rainer was a little more serious but still pretty fun.  They talked about their different attitudes about most Americans.  Rainer clarified that not all Americans were this way, but that he hated when Americans traveled to another country and expected people to speak English.  Martin thought the "narrow-mindedness was endearing," and I immediately thought of a few girls I could set him up with.  I agreed mostly with Rainer, but I appreciated he added the disclaimer that it wasn't all Americans.
      When I come back from the bathroom, the boys are talking about, um, boy stuff?  Sex?  Sex stuff.  Rudy wouldn't repeat what they were talking about because I'm a lady, which is always really annoying when guys do that, and then the subject turned to dating.  Yes, I have a boyfriend.  Rainer has a girlfriend.  Martin is single and happy, a point he made three separate times.

      "Why didn't you bring your boyfriend?" Rudy asked me.
      "He couldn't get the time off work.  I made the trip before I met him."
      "Oh, and you trust him?  How long you gone for?"
      "A week."
      Rudy shook his head.
      "He's gonna go the club, and he's going to see another girl…"
      "No, I don't think he's going to do anything in a week."
      "How long have you been dating?"
      "Three months."
      "Oh, three months?  If it was three years, maybe.  You don't know he's going to stay with you.  Stay good.  One week after three months?  He's going to the club."
      "No, he's not."
      "He can be at the club right now, you don't know!"
      "It's 5:30 in LA, so I doubt it."
      "You don't know what he's doing when you're here, and he doesn't know what you're doing…"
      "I just don't think anything is going to happen either way."
      "You might cheat on him too!"
      "No."
      "All I'm saying, you're not there, he could be at the club-"
      "He introduced me to the Game of Thrones video game, so I'm not worried about it."
      "I tell you, my wife, I was in Chicago for two months, and by the time I got back, she cheated on me.  Just two months!"
      Oh, okay, Rudy was projecting onto me.  That made it a little easier.  I was laughing a little bit, which is my response to things when I'm annoyed but trying actively not to show it.  Usually I don't care, and I get snappy and snarky and mean, but I was alone and these guys invited me to join their table, so I was trying to be nice.
      I suggested a drinking game to change the topic, and Rainer and Martin were amenable.  Martin had cards with him (Martin, my man, batting 1000 at this point), and he asked if we knew a pyramid drinking game.
      This was crazy, because one of my favorite drinking games is called "F*** You Pyramid," and the set up is the same.  A pyramid of cards are set face down on the table, and everyone gets three-to-five cards in their hands to look at.  Martin's was less hectic than mine, so we played his version.
      I went out a little longer, met some nurses from Oregon and another guy from Bristol, UK, and then made it back to bed around 10ish.  Everyone was talking about heading to Guatemala next, and I got very jealous.  I was going to Guatemala too, but just for the day, and just to Tikal.  That was going to be great too, obviously, but Guatemala had been my first choice for my vacation, and I had skipped out on it because I was told by some Guatemalan friends that it wouldn't be a good idea for me to go there by myself.  Since they were actually from Guatemala I thought the advice was probably good.

      The next morning I woke up and walked over to the tour meeting point for Tikal.  It was going to be a full day of Mayan ruins and I was pumped.  The owner of the tour group, Max, walked me over to the truck.  Inside I met Julie and Albert.  They were from New York.  She worked in vision research, and he worked in construction management.
      We drove a bit to the Guatemalan border.  I looked down by the river we were driving next to and a dude was washing his car with the river water.  I had never seen that, but it made sense to me.
      Then I started to get these ideas in my head.  I have a car too.  I can come back another day to Flores, a town in Guatemala near Tikal which is supposed to be amazing.  I could spend the day walking around there.  That doesn't seem too bad.  How much trouble could I get in?
      Max handed us over to Louis, our tour guide for Tikal.  Max doesn't go into Guatemala.  Louie doesn't go into Belize.  Maybe it's a hassle, I don't know.  Probably an easier border crossing than the US and Mexico.

BRB going to Guatemala real quick.

      As we drove in the van, now in Guatemala, I realized all the signs were in Spanish.  That was problem number one for my Guatemala day trip fantasy.  I'm sure most people spoke some English, but that wasn't guaranteed, and I might end up talking to people who didn't speak any English at all.  I would be in a city with a serious language barrier by myself.
      That didn't bother me too much, though.  I'd done it before (Budapest comes to mind), but it certainly made things more difficult.

      About twenty minutes into the drive we came to a stop.  The car in front of us had been pulled over.  The trunk was open.  The driver stood outside patiently has five or six men in military gear and AK-47s searched his car.
      I realized if I came back to Flores by myself, I would pass this same checkpoint, alone, and these Guatemalan military officers with AK-47s who may or may not speak English would search my car.  Obviously I wasn't carrying anything dangerous, but the thought was unsettling and I put the idea of coming back alone to rest.  I guess I would have to stay in boring old Belize for the rest of my trip.

      Later we stopped at a gift shop for Tikal visitors to get coffee and use the restroom.  I guess Guatemala is known for its coffee.  It was good coffee.  No, it was great.
      It was great coffee.
      On the way there we found out about the animals we might possibly see while exploring the ruins.  There was a Jaguar Crossing sign which the other two Americans and I got a kick out of.

Jaguar crossing.  NBD.

      There was a sign for a Guatemalan raccoon, which was way less sexy than the jaguar so we didn't take any pictures of that sign.  We saw some wild boars cross the road, but I couldn't get a good pic and also I wasn't as excited about the boars as everyone else.  Albert especially was into the boars.  He kept talking about bacon.
      "Be careful," Louis told us as we were nearing the ruins.  "There is a snake that, if it bites you, it doesn't release all of its poison - it's scared of you, it just wants you to know its there - but if the poison gets in your bloodstream it will kill you in 20 seconds.  So it's not look before you leap, it's look before you step."
      Ok, cool.  So if I'm every stranded in the jungle I'm totally dying.  Look before you step?  Who does that?  I run into tables and chairs at work because I can't be bothered to pay attention.
      I will never have my own version of Romancing the Stone because I will be destroyed by an animal that's "more scared of you than you are of it."

      Michael Douglas isn't even my type anyway, so whatever.

      We get to the ruins and they're amazing.  There's so many temples.  Tikal was a full city.  The Mayan population nearby had continued to use this place to worship, even if nobody was still living there, well into the 20th century.  This dude Wrigley, of Wrigley gum, started to come down to get his gum from the trees.  He built an air strip down there to make things easier.  Some archaeologists at the University of Pennsylvania heard about the air strip, realized the trek to these Mayan ruins was easier than ever, and asked the Guatemalan government for permission to use the site for exploring.  Wrigley got kicked out of the Mayan ruins by government order and the UNESCO site Tikal was on its way to becoming the beautiful tourist area we know it to be today.
      Capitalism.
      Louis is a tour guide all over Guatemala.  He told us that in order to be a tour guide you have to have a Bachelor's in History.  LOOKS LIKE I'M QUALIFIED FOR JOBS AFTER ALL.  Take that, finance majors.  Anyway, Louis started to talk about religion and history.
      He first explained the large Chinese population in San Ignacio and Tikal.  This came as a surprise to us Americans (there are a lot of Chinese people living here).  The reason for the number of Chinese immigrants here is because after Hong Kong was reinstated into China, many Hong Kong citizens worried about their freedoms and left.  They decided Central America sounded like as good a place as any.  I'm sure they went to other locations too, but the Chinese population in San Ignacio is recent and directly related to Hong Kong once again becoming part of China.
      Louis taught us so many things.
      Louis also started talking about the politics of the Catholic Church, starting way back in the 600s when the Council of Nicea was doing its thing.  He sped on up through the middle ages and turned to me.
      "Now, this part relates directly to you," Louis said.  "The Church kept hiding certain gospels from the people, because it only wanted to tell the story that was convenient to the Church.  So if there were any wise people who were researching the religion, they would go after the wise people, and they would accuse the wise people of heresy."
      "How did you know I was Jewish?" I asked.  But really, he was speaking directly to me because I am white and therefore at some point European-ish, and Albert and Julie are both Chinese.

      Anyway, I liked my joke, and so I shared it, and now you're welcome for getting to read that joke.

      Tikal is enormous.  The temples are incredibly well-preserved.  Anything that looks like a hill is actually an old residence that has been taken over by nature.  The views are stunning.
      Also Tikal was featured in the original Star Wars trilogy so basically - great day.

Sun Temple.  Templo I.

I see you, Templo V.

New best friends Albert and Julie.

You see those X marks?  That's Mr. Wrigley, trying to get in on the gum game down here.

Steppin' out.

Okay view.

My other new best friend Louis.

      At one point we heard a howler monkey, which Louis told us was rare.  Apparently, howler monkeys have seventeen fingers.  Four on each hand (they have four hands, no feet), and then their TAIL is a FINGER.  Like, there is a finger print at the end of their tail.  That is insane.  That is the craziest thing I've ever heard, and I'm like 110% sure I'm not exaggerating.  Nature.  Nature is so crazy.
      Louis would enter a new courtyard and start clapping.  Then other tour guides would respond in kind.  It was fun to watch.  Louis would tell us about a temple and then let us explore and take pictures while he caught up with his tour guide buddies.  Louis was a cool dude.
      "Do you smell that?  That smell is the snake sending out pheromones as a warning," Louis told us.
      "The snake with the… twenty seconds to killing?" I asked.
      "Yes.  Don't worry.  It's sleeping now."
      How Louis could possible know the smell meant the snake was not only nearby but asleep was beyond me, but I am typing this here now to tell you I never saw the snake, so Louis must have been right, and I honestly never need to actually see that snake in real life.

      On the way back we stopped at the gift shop again.  There's a restaurant next to it, where I got maybe the best chicken and the best pineapple I've ever had.

Literally the best chicken I've ever had.

Also, best pineapple.

      Louis told us Guatemala is one of the best places in the world to travel to, pointing to CNN as a source for his claim.  Okay, sure, I want to.  I'm sold.  I'll have to bring a friend (I still remember those AK-47s), but I'm sold.  He bid us adieu, and we went back to Belize.

      I am now relaxing and occasionally reading Yes Please by Amy Poehler on my phone.  It did not download onto my iPad but it did download onto my phone.  I wish it was on my iPad because when I read it on my phone I look like I'm just texting or facebooking when really I'm being intellectual and expanding my mind.  It is important that other people who might glance in my direction by accident understand this.

      Okay well that was my first day and then my first full day.  Okay good bye.

My Love Affair with RomComs: A Thorough Analysis of the 1984 Film Romancing the Stone

            Romantic Comedies get a bad rap.  There’s a reason for it – there are a lot of really, truly terrible romantic comedies out there.  But I love romantic comedies, and I think they deserve a fair shot.

            I’m going to blog about some of the lesser-known romantic comedies I’ve seen throughout the years because I want to spotlight some overlooked films of a much-maligned genre.  Romantic comedies are, by definition, funny stories about two people falling in love.  You got love, you got jokes, you got pretty people making out with each other.  Some of them are poorly done because they rely on bad gender stereotypes and are lazy, but honestly it’s one of the hardest genres of film to make.  That’s okay though, because we as humans crave them so much, even the bad ones make money.

            I want to summarize each movie, analyze why I enjoyed it, detect if each movie lives up to the tropes of the genre, and finally, if each romantic comedy passes the Bechdel Test.  Again, the Bechdel Test is not a sign of whether or not a movie is sexist, it just measures female presence in the film.  And for a genre of films often referred to as “chick flicks,” they should all pass the Bechdel Test, right?  Lol.  Anyway.  Let’s get started.

(I was going to put the trailer here, but it's terrible.  So below is a link to some clips on Hulu.  You can watch the whole thing on Netflix.)

http://www.hulu.com/watch/27586

            “That was the end of Grogen.  The man who killed my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and stole my Bible.”

            I have a secret.  I don’t know how many romance novels I’ve read.  50?  75?  I hope it’s not 100.  For the most part, they’re part pretty bad.  There were only 3 where, when I finished, I thought to myself, “yes, that was a healthy romance, and I actually enjoyed this story.”

            I was addicted.  If I had a weekend day free, or the summer (I was in college for this phase), I would go to a bookstore or a library, grab four or five, skim the parts that didn’t deal directly with bringing the two lovers together (wasn’t really interested in whatever bs mystery or true crime story they sometimes threw in, and I never cared about the bastard son or daughter of the noble-rake-with-a-heart-of-gold either), and waste away hours of my afternoons.  My era of choice was 19^th century England (London Society, preferably), but I’d read a Western or two.

What I’m saying is that this movie’s treatment of Joan Wilder’s romance novels is on point.  And I know from personal experience – hours and hours and hours of personal experience.

            (Although I will say that most romance novels are written in third person, not first person, but that’s not important.)

           We open with Joan Wilder (played by Kathleen Turner:  Young and Sexual edition) putting the finishing touches on her most recent romance novel.  She drinks alone with her cat Romeo to celebrate, and wakes up a tad hungover and late to meet her publisher. 

            Her elderly neighbor makes a joke about Joan never going out and being single (god, older ladies, just leave our single young selves to enjoy life without some DUDESHACKLE ruining our groove times) and hands her a mysterious package.

            Some gangster man makes his way to Joan’s apartment and stabs a neighbor who bothers to ask why he’s trying to break in to her apartment.  He is looking for something.  Must be related to that mysterious package Joan just got.

            Joan and her publisher eat at a restaurant.  The publisher asks about Joan’s sister Elaine and Elaine’s husband Eduardo.  They went to Colombia, and Eduardo has disappeared and is presumed dead.  Elaine is in serious trouble, with gangsters in Colombia who are not fucking around.

            We see Elaine try to escape in a little red convertible until some Colombian kid knocks her out with some sort of rope weapon type thing.  He drives with her passed out in the passenger seat.  Kid drives better than your average adult sap, let me tell you.

            Elaine, still unconscious, is carried into a boat.  Danny DeVito (Ralph) watches.  He and his partner (his cousin Ira) argue about whether or not to do this “one last job” over a pit with alligators (or crocodiles – I don’t know).  Ralph doesn’t want to.  He has a bad feeling about this.  He thinks this last con is what gets them in trouble.

            This is called foreshadowing. 

Look.  It's Danny DeVito.

            Joan gets home to her apartment totally overturned.  She’s terrified.  She gets a call from Elaine, who is being put up to this by the DeVito brothers, asking Joan to bring the package, which is some sort of treasure map, down to Cartagena.

            Joan is a homebody, and this is Colombia in 1984.  She is used to New York City and developed world plumbing systems.  But her sister is in trouble, and she’s the only one who can help.  She does what any good sister would do and hops on that plane.

            Ralph (Danny the DeVeet, you might call him) waits for Joan so he can escort her to Cartagena when she gets to the airport, but she gets on the wrong bus because Gangster Man, the one who broke into her apartment presumably looking for that map, lied to her and told her to get on the wrong bus.  Ralph realizes Joan’s mistake too late.

            Joan, getting nervous as the bus drives through the middle of the Colombian jungle, distracts the non-English-speaking bus driver with her questions about where they are, and the bus crashes into a jeep.

            Gangster Man creeps around.  He is dangerous and terrifying and I’m tense watching this scene.  Now Joan is alone in the Colombian wilderness with a guy who stabs people for asking innocent questions.  He is Bad News. 

            Gangster Man pulls a gun on Joan.  This scares her quite a bit.  Michael Douglas happens to walk by.  Gangster Man shoots his water sack.  Now Michael Douglas is angry and scares Gangster Man off by shooting a shotgun at him.  Joan hides under the bus.  Michael Douglas is mad because it was HIS jeep the bus ran into, and all his birds that he had caged up in there are gone now because of the accident.

            Gangster Man finds Danny DeVito – sorry, Ralph – driving the direction the bus went so he can get to Kathleen Turner, He pulls out his badge.  HOLY SMOKES HE IS THE LAW.  He is a corrupt police officer.  Colombia, man. 

His name is Colonel Zolo.  He is not fucking around.

            Kathleen Turner/Joan Wilder is now screwed.  She is lost in the jungle in a country where she doesn’t speak the language and doesn’t know the geography.  Michael Douglas is an adventurer man.  They come to an agreement – she will pay him $375 in cashier’s checks if he takes her to a payphone.

            Her luggage is too heavy, and doesn’t have any valuables, so Michael Douglas throws it away.  Joan is pissy about it, but then the ground beneath her gives out and she ends up falling down a very long mudslide down the side of the mountain they were on.  Michael Douglas follows and lands facedown in her crotch.  Oh, she’s got nice gams, eh?  He’s into it.  She’s unhappy.

            Ralph calls his cousin Ira and tries to play off the fact that he doesn’t know where Joan and the map are.  Ira is not happy.  He tells Elaine that Ralph ran into Gangster Man, who is the “butcher” who killed Elaine’s husband.

            Ooh.  Ralph and Ira appear to be small-time thieves who just want the stone, and there are some much bigger players in this game.  This map is serious business.

            Michael Douglas cuts the heels off Kathleen Turner’s shoes.

            “Those were Italian,” she whines.

            “Now they’re practical,” Mikey D retorts.

            Joan crouches down to put her shoes on, just narrowly missing being shot in the head by some Colombian authorities.

            “I haven’t even done anything lately,” MD complains.  They see Colonel Zolo leading the cops and Michael puts two and two together.  They’re after Joan.  The deal is off, he says.  Joan is too dangerous.  They escape to another hideaway.  He does not believe her when she says she’s a romance novelist.

            No way Joan’s shoes are comfortable enough to run around the Colombian jungle in just because the heels are cut off.  But as Mr. Douglas gets ready to have a shoot-out with the police, Kathleen swings across a ravine to more permanently escape.  Michael Douglas sees this, take a page out of her book, also swings across – and flies right into the side of the cliff.  It’s funny.  His nose bleeds.

            He climbs up and manages to find her desperately trying to finish a nip she had in her bag.

            “Drinking?  I could have died, and you’re drinking?”

            This movie’s dialogue is fun.  Everyone’s clearly having a ball with this premise.  I mean, we have a homebody romance novelist who likes to celebrate by getting hammered on wine and nips with her cat stuck in a dangerous Colombian jungle on the way to rescue her sister, who is being held up by con artists, while the Colombian authorities are trying to kill her, and an Indiana Jones-type wannabe/bad boy mercenary who’s just in it for the money is her guide.  I love the plot – silly as it is, it’s fun.  I love the characters – their wit, their brass, their attitudes.  I love the setting.  This movie is so fucking good.  Damn, this movie is so fucking good.

            Michael Douglas has some trouble cutting through the jungle foliage.  Joan asks if they’re stopping for some reason, and Michael Douglas, as sarcastically as he can muster, allows her to attempt to cut through for herself.  She’s pretty good at it.  Mike the D Man watches her in admiration, both for her skill and her sweet bod.

            We can see why he likes her.  She’s beautiful first of all, she’s vulnerable, but when her feet are to the fire, she figures it out.  She crossed the ravine on a vine before he did.  She can chop through the jungle like she was born there.  She’s fantastic.

            Also, she’s Kathleen Turner circa 1984.  That hair.  That body.  That voice.

            Joan stops and screams when she sees a skeleton in an airplane and freaks out.  Douglas comforts her.  The skeleton was once a pilot in a plane that went down.  They take shelter in the plane and find liquor.  Not bad.

            Joan mentions the liquor is Elaine’s favorite, and Michael asks about her sister.  Joan is vague and a bad liar, and Michael Douglas doesn’t buy her “I’m coming to comfort my grieving sister” shtick but he lets it go – until he finds the map.

            Michael Douglas is curious about the map.  It leads to the heart… of something.  Hm.  Romance themes.  All Joan wants to do is give the map back to the guys ransoming her sister.  Michael wants to find the treasure, because that’s what the ransomers really want – and besides, he’s interested.  Joan hates that idea because it’s more dangerous than just returning the map, and she believes the D Man wants it for selfish reasons.  She rails on him about what a real man is and isn’t – until he kills a poisonous snake that was about to bite Joan.  That shuts her up right quick.

            Now we find out his name.  It’s Jack T. Colton.  He’s been down in Colombia for a while.  He just wants to get enough money together to buy a boat and sail by himself.  There’s tension.  Sexual tension.  They’re attracted to each other.  Then Joan passes out, and Jack (Mikey D, you recall) takes a closer look at the map. 

            “Devil’s Fork,” he mutters to himself.

            We can see why she likes him.  He knows his way around a Colombian jungle, he has quick reflexes (yo, did you see him chop that snake’s head off?), he’s charismatic and charming and smirking and his biceps have great definition.  His hair, too.  So totally bad boy 80s.  I’m into it.  Joan, even though she won’t admit it because she’s pretty shook up now (it’s been a rough 24 hours), is into it.  Everyone’s into it.

            Jack and Joan find a tiny town with few people in it.  Nobody is very friendly.  Jack tries to take the lead to help them get a car, but he’s a lot better at jungle than people.  He puts his foot in his mouth, and the whole town (there are, like, 8 inhabitants) is ready to shoot them.

            “All right, Joan Wilder, write us out of this one,” Jack says, and the one rich citizen with the car recognizes the name.  This is Juan.  Juan is a huge fan of Joan Wilder, and he invites his favorite writer and her companion into his home.

            What a coincidence!  This is probably the weakest bit of the film.  I mean, these Colombian villagers who don’t have any phones and only have one car in the whole town have read Joan Wilder’s romance novels?  But it’s okay that it doesn’t make any sense, because I’m still having so much fun.  I mean, did you read that sentence about the Colombian villagers recognizing New York romance novelist Joan Wilder as a plot twist?  That’s great.  It’s contrived, but it’s great.

            The Colombian police find Juan’s home and surround the residence.  Juan and Jack and Joan drive out in Juan’s car just in time to escape the authorities.  As Juan drives them down a car chase on the mud roads of this tiny Colombian village, he points out the spot near the fence where his mother was born, and the tree his brother planted.  Boom!  Bam!  Another shot!  Juan points out another landmark.

This movie is funny.  I am laughing.  If you are able to experience joy than I imagine you are laughing too.  Assuming you’re watching this movie.

            Juan manages to lose the Colombian authorities, including Colonel Zolo.

            Joan’s hair is down, and she looks fantastic.  This is unrealistic.  Her hair would look disgusting at this point.  Like a rat’s nest.  Is she wearing a bra right now?  I don’t think so.  Her garb is ripped up, but fashionably so.

            I would look like The Thing That The Thing Crawled Out Of And Then Cannibalized And Pooped Out if I was Joan right now.  I would be muddy and dirty and sweaty and gross.

Looks like someone had a real rough day.

            I love movies.  Kathleen Turner.  She just looks so good.  Unbelievable.  I’m all about it.

  

          Juan and Joan and Jack find themselves by a landmark Jack saw on the map – Devil’s Fork or something.  Jack perks up.  He says it's time to go back to the village.

            Ralph (Danny DeVito – God, how great is Danny DeVito?) is arguing with Ira on a payphone about how hard it is to find Joan, and how Ira is an embarrassment to the family, when Juan drops Jack and Joan off.  Joan makes a call to Ira, and he’s fine with the fact that she’ll bring the map in the morning.  Jack has fulfilled his obligation, and Joan pays him the $375.

            But Jack wants the actual treasure now.  Only he can’t just ask Joan for it, because she wants the map for her sister’s ransom.  So he offers to buy her dinner so he can buy more time.  Is he going to betray Joan to keep the map for himself?

            What a dick.

            Joan takes a shower and puts on normal clothes.  Jack must have showered too.  They look good.  They enjoy each other’s company over dinner.  Damn.  They’re into each other.  How is he going to betray her now?

            Michael Douglas’s all-white suit with the buttons halfway down his chest is everything right now.

            Ralph tries to reach into Joan’s bag when she’s dancing with Michael Douglas:  Saturday Night Fever Edition, but some angry middle-aged lady catches him and throws him out.  Joan and Jack make out and have sexy times.  We catch up with them after the sexy times are mostly done.

            “Why haven’t you stolen the map?” Joan asks Jack.  She has a point.  Jack is a scoundrel.  But Jack plays dumb.  Joan decides she wants to get the treasure herself, and see if there’s enough left over to get Jack his boat so everybody wins.  Jack is obviously on board, and takes the map from between the mattresses and puts it in back in Joan’s bag without her knowing. 

            Low, that he was going to keep the treasure for himself when he knows Joan’s sister’s life is on the line.  What a scumbucket.  Aren’t you mad at him right now?  Like, her sister is going to die.  He convinced her to stay with him so he could seduce her and keep the map for himself and let her sister die.  Let’s remember that before Joan gave him the out of “coming up with the idea” herself.

            What a dick.

            They go back to sexy times.

            The next morning they go look for the treasure.  They happen to take the car Frank Reynolds Ralph was sleeping in, so he gets a free ride to the treasure.  Once they get the stone, Ralph holds the lovers up with his pistol.  Joan is angry at him, but Danny points out that he’s at least honest, he’s not “trying to romance it out from under her.”

            Hey, that’s the name of the movie!

            “But going after the stone was my idea,” Joan replies.  She’s confused.  How could Jack have manipulated her?  It’s literally not even possible.  Well, not literally.  And not “not.”  Because Ralph is right, and Jack is a dick.

            “That’s what all the con artists do.  They make you think you need it.”

            OH SHIT THE COLOMBIAN AUTHORITIES.  Guys, we gotta put this conversation on hold before we all die.  Colonel Zolo is back. 

            Quick intermission – Colonel Zolo?  Really?  What is this, Star Trek:  Action Adventure Romantic Comedy Edition?

Joan and Jack get in the car, end up in a river, drive off a waterfall, and are forced to jump out of the car.  They end up on different sides of that river.  Joan has the map, but Jack has the stone.  Joan is mad at Jack and thinks he planned this all along. 

            Jack doesn’t understand.  All the ransomers wanted was the map in exchange for Elaine.  He figured he could get the stone, and Joan can get her sister back, and everyone’s happy.  Joan points out that the map is worthless if Jack has the stone.  Jack promises to meet Joan at the Hotel Cartagena.   He promises, and throws in phrases like “trust me” or whatever.  Joan doesn’t have time to argue, though, because the Colombian authorities are shooting at them, and it’s time to run.

            Joan has to meet Elaine and her kidnapper by taking a water taxi to some Colombian fortress.  Is that what it is?  I don’t think the fortress is ever explained.  “Oh, you know Colombian cities, with their water fortresses.”  Joan paces in her hotel room.  Jack hasn’t shown up yet.  What a cad.  Gets the stone and doesn’t even care about Joan’s sister.  Liar.  Dickwad.  His own boat over Joan’s sister.  All men are pigs.

            Joan and Ira do an exchange in some weird underground structure.  Arches and shit.  I don’t know.  Colombian water fortresses.  Ira accepts the map.  He lets Elaine go.  GUNSHOTS.  WHAT.  I thought this was over!

            Jack is there.  “Missed you at the hotel,” he smirks.  It’s almost funny, but then you see he’s been captured by Colonel Zolo’s COLOMBIAN AUTHORITIES, and they were the ones firing the gun.

            Colonel Zolo knows Joan and Jack found the stone.  He cuts Joan’s hand and holds it over the ol’ crocogator pit and waits for the blood to tempt his reptiles.  Jack can’t watch Joan get killed, so he shakes the stone out of his pants and kicks it up.  Colonel Zolo catches it.  Victory for Colonel Zolo – UNTIL ONE OF HIS PETS BITES HIS HAND OFF AND EATS THE STONE AND THE HAND.

            Graphic.  Screams.  Ira escapes on a boat and promises to come back for Ralph… some time.  To be determined.  Haha.  Never trust a con artists, even when they’re family.  Especially when they’re family.

            Jack found the gator that ate the gem and tries to grab it by the tail so he can but the reptile open and grab the stone, but Colonel Zolo is attacking Joan at the same time.  She screams out for Jack.  Jack has a decision to make – Joan or the gem?

            This is a romance.  So obviously Jack chooses Joan.  But Joan can take care of her own damn self, even if she doesn’t realize it, and even as Gangster Man tries to stab Joan OVER A PIT OF GATORS.  Danger from all sides, I tell you.  Joan hits him with a stick and managers to set the guy on fire just as Jack climbs up the tower to rescue Joan.  Gangster Man falls into the pit of reptiles.  Let’s assume he’s dead.

            Jack sees that the legit, non-corrupt authorities are on their way.  They do not like Jack.  Jack’s got to head out.

            “You’re leaving me?”  Joan asks.

            “You’ll be fine on your own.  You always were,” Jack says after a real romantic kiss.  What a beautiful sentiment.  Reminding Joan that she’s got her shit on lock, even if she doesn’t believe in herself.  It’s just… he doesn’t want to get arrested in Colombia, and she’s going to be safe now anyway, so he’s got to go.

            He has redeemed himself I suppose.  That was a really shitty thing to do, trying to steal the map, after spending a day getting to know the awesome Joan Wilder.  

            Although technically… he seemed to be looking for a way for both of them to go?  Ideally, he wanted to go with her.  It’s just that Plan B was stealing the map, and Plan C was her taking the map and him taking nothing.  Plans B and C should have been switched.

            He was able to make Plan A work, though, and he did follow through and make it to see her in Cartagena.  And he saved her life – or, he chose to save her life over the retrieving the stone in the gator, but she had already taken care of herself by the time he showed up.

            FINE.  I still like Jack, and I still think he makes a solid love interest.  Even if he is a little bit of a… cad.

            Typical romance novel hero. 

            Joan, meanwhile, is a boss the whole way through, any way you look at it.  She wears Italian heels and writes romance novels and dreams about Mr. Right, but she can handle a situation in a faraway wilderness where everyone seems to want her dead.

            Back in New York, Joan has written about her experiences and passed it off as her newest novel, only in her novel’s ending the two lovers end up together and sail the world.  In her real life, Jack dives into the water to escape the authorities, and Joan goes back to New York.

            Lo and behold, Joan walks home and sees a giant sailboat outside her New York apartment.  Jack is wearing alligator boots.  Nice touch, Jack.  He came back for her because he couldn’t stop thinking about her.  And Joan, for her part, most certainly hadn’t forgotten about him.

            The music is cheesy the whole time.  80s pop synth that doesn’t really match the theme.  Some of the lesser characters are a little one-dimensional.  But the movie is so much fun, having a go at action tropes and romance tropes while being genuinely funny and actually heartfelt along the way.

            You think all romantic comedies are the worst?  You obvs haven’t seen Romancing the Stone.

ADVISORY:  DO NOT WATCH THE SEQUEL.  Jewel of the Nile will retroactively ruin the romance of the first one.  It is a huge bummer.

Romcom score card:

1.  Chemistry between the leads?  Excellent.  That tension was straight up erotic.  Into it.
2. The Best Friend Role.  Not really one, to be honest, but we’ll give it to the publisher Gloria.  She’s brassy and rates the attractiveness of all the guys at the restaurant, but she quickly switches gears and gets back down to business when the time calls for it.  Acceptable.
3. No Male Best Friend.  N/A.
4.  Enjoyability:  High.  Watch this movie.  Now.
5.  Was she stupid to get together with him?  Fuck no.  If the way you met your lover was by escaping con artists and corrupt police officers in Colombia while still finding time to genuinely enjoy his company, would you leave that man?  Fuck no.  That is a story for your grandkids for sure.
6.  Was he stupid to stay with her?  Fuck no.  A woman who picks up survival techniques that quickly despite having no experience?  Definitely a keeper.  Also, I don’t know if you know this, but when you urban dictionary “sex appeal” it’s just a picture of Kathleen Turner from 1984.
7.  Chick flick score – does this romcom pass the Bechdel test?  Yes, but don’t get too excited.  There are three occasions where two named women talk about something other than a man, and it adds up to a total of one minute of screentime.  All three times are with Joan and Gloria.  They’re either talking about Joan’s novel, about how Joan never goes out, or about how dangerous Colombia is and that Joan cannot go there.  It’s nice that this is a romcom from the female perspective, but it’s still a romcom set in a man’s world.

Overall:  This is not just a straight romantic comedy.  There are action and adventure elements as well.  But the movie is about a romance (hell, it’s got the word “romancing” in the title as an allusion to Jack’s less honorable intentions toward Joan) and ends with the two main characters driving a boat toward the ocean into the sunset.  Romance?  Check. 

As for comedy?  Joan’s career as a romance novelist has a tongue-in-cheek vibe the entire time, from the opening scene where we get a taste of her illustrious work, to the Colombian villagers who think she’s the greatest writer in the world.  Jack’s got some funny one-liners, and Ralph and Ira’s relationship is hilarious.  There’s also a self-aware campy feel to the alligators and the con artists and the crime bosses that makes the story that much more enjoyable.

      I honestly don’t know what to make of someone who sat through this movie and didn’t enjoy it.  Ladies, if you love romcoms and are tired of defending it as a perfectly legitimate genre outside of the “guilty pleasure” sector of film-viewing, point that idiot friend of yours you’re arguing with to this movie and see if they can still hate when they’re done. 

      Game.  Over.