Stating the Obvious: Christmas is Better than Hannukah

There is no War on Christmas, as most reasonable people already know. Saying “Happy Holidays” this season just means you accept that other people have a less awesome time in December than you do. It’s the polite thing to do. Because honestly? Christmas is easily the greatest end-of-the-year holiday. It also has, like, no competition. I don’t know anyone who celebrates Kwanzaa, and New Year’s Eve is amateur hour.

What about Hannukah? Well, what about Hannukah? Hannukah doesn’t hold a candle – never mind eight (nailed it) – to Christmas. Hannukah is totally whatever, while Christmas is THE BEST.

Let’s break down the Christmas vs. Hannukah debate that the world definitely did not cry out for.

1. Importance of holiday within religion

Christmas is the second most important holiday in Christianity, after Easter. Christmas is the birthday of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Christmas is a big deal. Who doesn’t love birthdays?

In the Jewish religion, Hannukah is less important than Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah, Passover, Purim, and your mother’s birthday.  Hannukah’s big cool points come from being right around Christmas.

Winner: Christmas

2. What each holiday celebrates

Christmas is, as mentioned, Jesus’s birthday. Everyone loves birthdays, and in case you don’t know this yet, Jesus is a pretty big deal, even 2,000 years later.

Jesus gets talked about all the time, even when it’s not his birthday. When your very Christian mom wants to shame you for masturbating, whose name does she invoke? Exactly.

Not only that, Christmas brought in a once-Christian-now-secular guy for people who want to celebrate the holiday without the religious aspect associated with it. Santa Claus lives in the North Pole and has a bunch of elves and gives presents to the entire world while riding a flying sleigh pulled by flying reindeer.

Damn, Santa. That’s dope.

Hannukah, on the other hand, is the ultimate moral victory. It is the Sportsmanship Trophy of the holiday season. Hannukah is the story of the Maccabees getting massacred in battle. Their village gets burned to the ground. The survivors huddle in Temple and have some oil to burn a candle for one day – but, hold up, it lasts for eight! Wow. Oil that lasts eight times as long as it’s supposed to? Jesus’s birthday and Santa Claus versus oil after you get annihilated in battle? Tough choice!

Winner: Christmas

3. Length of holiday

Hannukah lasts eight days. Not bad, Hannukah.

Christmas has Christmas Day and Christmas Eve. Oh, and the 12 Days of Christmas, which lasts from December 25 to January 6. Oh, and the Advent Calendar, which starts 4 Sundays before Christmas. Oh, and Christmas Shopping Season, which starts in July. Oh, and “Christmas in July” parties, which happen whenever people feel like having them.

Winner: Christmas

4. Presents

Hannukah you get one present per night. But that’s only a thing because on Christmas you get A MILLION PRESENTS FROM SANTA and Jewish parents didn’t want their kids to be left out.

Winner: Christmas

5. Movies

There are a million Christmas movies. There are a few Hannukah movies.

But, Christmas movies are pretty terrible.

Winner: Hannukah

Honorable Mention: Elf, Die Hard

6. Songs

Christmas songs are dope. And even songs like Winter Wonderland have been hijacked by the holiday. Winter Wonderland is about winter! Just winter!

However, in Hannukah’s favor, songs like “War is Over (If You Want It),” “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” and “Wonderful Christmastime” are terrible, and proof that The Beatles may be one of the greatest all-time rock bands, but their members can’t write a holiday tune for shit.

Winner: Christmas

7.  TV Shows

Rugrats has a great Hannukah episode.

Winner: Hannukah

8. Wars and battles concerning each holiday

War on Christmas? Every year, Christians terrified of losing their monolithic hold on all political and religious aspects of American society screech about a War on Christmas. You’re not allowed to say Happy Holidays to these precious souls. They brought Starbucks cups into their drama (can you imagine caring about the decorations on a Starbucks cup? Can you?). Even my Jewish dad insists everyone should say Merry Christmas, because he, too, has acknowledged how much of a non-event Hannukah is.

Christmas wins the War on Christmas every year.

Hannukah, meanwhile, is the celebration of the Jews losing so hard, they’re grateful for literally anything.

Winner: Christmas

9. Number of ways to spell each holiday

Christmas. X-Mas. Xmas.

Hannukah. Hanukkah. Chanukah. Channuka. Chanukkah. I was told you can spell it however you want, but it has to be 8 letters long, for the 8 days. But maybe that’s just my second grade teacher being cute.

Winner: Who cares?

Hannukah did better than I expected, winning 2.5/9 points. But it’s really no question. This holiday season exists because of Christmas. So stop wishing people a good Chrismukkah. It’s not real and I hate it. I don't care how adorable Adam Brody is. 

Merry Christmas!