The Shame of Female Corporeality

It is the great shame of the modern woman that she takes up space.

Women in days of yore were little things, will o' the wisps, ethereal creatures we weren't sure existed when they turned a certain way. No logic governed these beings - no facts, no figures. They were spritely, magical, full of fairy dust and romantic notions from boyhood and not much else. Hang one on your Christmas tree before bed for good luck.

Now, women are oak trees, solid things, things you can't ignore, things you can't push off the sidewalk when you walk to your next important destination. Now they are loud, and crude, and vocal, and they take up space. They talk, and they eat, and they shit, and they exist for themselves, and not for you.

Whatever happened to skinny women? Why are we applauding women for their larger sizes? What's so positive about a body that takes up space?

Where have all the Audrey Hepburns gone? Whatever happened to the Judy Garlands of the world? Replaced by Serena Williams, by Rhonda Rousey. It is the humiliation of the modern woman that she exists, fully, and actually, in more ways than mere simple decoration.

Audrey was a muse, you know, and you could be too - a childhood of malnourishment in wartime could make you an international ideal of feminine beauty as well.

Judy was a star, you know, and you could be too -  a steady intake of diet pills and alcohol from your teenage years on could make your excess weight disappear as well.

Women used to be the playthings of our dreams, all perfection on pedestals and alive when we had the time for them. Fading quickly, dissipating, upon waking, unsure if they were ever even there. Now, women are the coffee in the morning, the bitter taste that wakes you up and keeps you that way for the next 12, 14, 16, 18 hours. In your face, and potent, and pungent, and big, so big, always so big, and unwilling to stay quiet or leave you alone.

Women were ideals, locked in towers, created for men to feel important as they played hero and rescuer whenever they finally got around to it. Now these women are here, on the ground, in the everyday, not conveniently waiting around to give a man's life purpose or meaning. Physically able to leave that tower on their own, with enough nourishment and exercise that gives them an independence that is patently unfeminine. It is a shame, these women who take up space in the everyday. It is inconsiderate. It is gauche. It is not to be borne.

Space does not belong to women. It is not theirs to take. Shame, shame, shame - for taking what is not yours. Shame, shame, shame - for stretching beyond your clearly laid-out boundaries, for delineating from the agreed-upon script.

Shame, shame, shame - for being more than society insists you be.

Discussing the Politics of KKK Members and Nazis Misses the Point

In the aftermath of this past weekend and what happened in Charlottesville, we have seen a lot of misdirection and confusion instead of what should be a very straightforward response: racism is bad. Nazis are bad. The KKK is bad. By not unequivocally stating this, and by bringing up other violent acts, it lessens the impact of a rebuke towards white supremacist terrorism.

Now, I've also seen people take issue with the phrase "alt right," as though it has anything to do with real conservatism. Some conservative media sources and politicians have pointed out that the KKK started out as a branch of the Democratic party, and that Nazi stands for National Socialism and is therefore left-wing. They are, technically, correct.

Putting racism in terms of liberal versus conservative or Democrat versus Republican is counterproductive. It is entirely used as a way for white people to deflect the burden or responsibility towards other white people with different political views. It totally misses the point. The fact remains that we live in a country that allows terrorist groups like the KKK and Nazis to march into a public square with semi-automatic weapons shouting "Jews will not replace us" and "blood and soil" without very much response from the police. We would not allow anything of the kind from ISIS sympathizers, for all the obvious reasons. We have to look inwards to ask ourselves why that is.

So let's take a look at the claim that the KKK and Nazis are really leftist terrorist groups.

The Democrats are the party of the KKK.

Yes, in 1861, Abraham Lincoln became our first Republican president. Shortly after, the South - mostly Democrats devoted to a states' right to own slaves - chose to secede, and the Civil War followed. The Union won; the Confederacy lost; slavery was abolished.

Lamest cosplayers ever.

In the 1870s, in response to what they felt was an unjust attack to their way of life, certain white Southerners started the Ku Klux Klan. These people were undoubtedly Democrat by party affiliation, and for the next several decades, most KKK members voted Democrat, while most African Americans (those who were eligible after all the Jim Crow laws were put in effect, anyway) voted Republican.

By 1936, however, 71% of African American voters voted Democrat. That's pretty crazy, considering there were people alive in 1936 who absolutely remembered the Civil War. So what happened? Did Democrats suddenly become not racist? Did Republicans suddenly become way more racist?

Nope. Democrats were still, as a whole, fairly racist in the 1930s, and Republicans weren't suddenly more racist in the 20th century than they were in the 19th. Dixiecrats were absolutely still a thing. So what gives?

In 1929, the Stock Market crashed, bringing on the Great Depression. But for African Americans, they had been suffering a Depression for years by that point. Under a hands-off, deregulatory approach to the economy during the Republican presidencies of Harding, Coolidge, and Hoover, the poorest communities in this country didn't receive the assistance they needed. This overwhelmingly affected black neighborhoods as they did not have the same economic opportunities as white Americans. Democrats were more willing to raise taxes to assist lower-income neighborhoods - not because they cared about black people, but because they cared about poor white people in their base, and black people just so happened to benefit. So African Americans were faced with a decision. Do you choose the Republican party that will politely let you starve, or the Democratic party that gives you some help, even if many of these Democrats actively and loudly believe you to be inferior?

With FDR's New Deal, more African Americans were being put back to work. The New Deal did help white Americans more than black Americans, because FDR is not exactly a civil rights icon, but it was still more help than they were receiving in the 1920s.

In 1948, Harry Truman desegregated the military.

By the 1960s, realizing how much of their base was now made up of African Americans, LBJ and other prominent Democrats decided to work on civil rights legislation that would end Jim Crow. Was LBJ doing this out of the goodness of his own heart? Absolutely not. LBJ was a cold, calculating son of a bitch who figured this would shore up the African American vote for the Democrat party for years to come. But the end results were the Civil Rights Acts of 1964 and 1965, so it's pretty hard to fault it.

The KKK, in the meantime, fluctuated in how many members were a part of their ranks, but they had absolutely no interest in voting for a party that gave civil rights to African Americans. As the Democrats embraced the black vote, the KKK shifted away.

So viewing the KKK in terms of liberal versus conservative or Democrat versus Republican is ridiculous. The KKK is interested in one thing and one thing only - white supremacy at the expense of people of color. If a party actively courts their vote, the KKK wants nothing to do with them. 

Pictured: a bunch of goddamn hippies.

Nazis are socialists and therefore leftists.

Okay. Um. Let's start with some very basic definitions for this one.

Socialism is an economic and political system whereby the means of production are owned by the working class. Historically speaking, the state is often used as a representative of the working class in socialist countries.

National Socialism is another name for Nazism. The two tenants of Nazism are a) the superiority of the Aryan race and the belief in the need for racial purity, and b) the leader of the country (i.e. Adolf Hitler) runs all means of production. 

You can be socialist and not be a Nazi. Obviously. Obviously. The big reason Nazis are bad is not because they are socialist, but because they believe in genocide. The economic and political beliefs of Nazis - outside of genocidal tendencies - are about 0% relevant to why Nazis are evil. 

Modern-day Nazis, you might notice, don't spend a lot of time talking about the benefits of socialism. They mostly focus on how terrible Jews and black people are.

Actually, I think we can end there too. This is an issue of not understanding basic definitions, and these basic definitions have been outlined above.

It's not very complicated, of course, but we all love to validate ourselves and point the fingers at others. Sometimes that requires a little bit of revisionist history. But personal responsibility is everyone's favorite part of adulthood, right? Okay cool.

USA's Sexiest 45 Presidents Ranked

America is #1 as everyone knows and the best way to prove that is to judge our leaders by how much we all wanna bang them. Like their achievements are cool and all but do they look good naked?????????? Gotta ask the tough questions so I did. This list is definitive and objective so if you have any disagreements find yourself a safe space snowflake 'cause you're wrong.

Sex appeal is about appearance yeah sure but also it's an attitude too so keep that in mind before I blow that brainbox to pieces like boom.

Some of the pictures are from when they're old and some are from when they're young. If you're like "where's the logic here" then maybe this is all too complex and hey I just love America so much #truepatriot #america #thefutureisfemale

45.  James K. Polk (1845 - 1849)


Have I seen this guy in Forensic Files? What exactly does he have in his basement? Anyway don't be alone with this guy ok ok ok thanks.

44. Franklin Pierce (1853 - 1857)


It's a weird hairline I dunno man. I guess he was considered handsome at the time, which is proof that women really did have it harder back then.

43. Millard Fillmore (1850 - 1853)


So far the least sexy presidents were all the ones leading up to the Civil War. Hmm. What does science say about that????

42. Donald Trump (2017 - )


Most interesting thing about this man is his daddy's money.

41. James Buchanan (1857 - 1861)


Something about him says "maybe if I do nothing, this slavery issue will sort itself out." Not. Sexy.

40. Chester Arthur (1881 - 1885)


Some unfortunate facial hair, and otherwise very unmemorable.

39. Grover Cleveland (1893 - 1897)
"Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. The relative positions to be assumed by man and woman in the working out of our civilization were assigned long ago by a higher intelligence than ours."
LOL k.

38. William McKinley (1897 - 1901)


Not cute. And also justified a war in the Philippines by pretending like God told him to. Ya ok. Whatever.

37. Howard Taft (1909 - 1913)


Helluva career - famous for trust-busting throughout his tenure and then became the only US President to also sit on the Supreme Court. Kudos.

But he's more famous for the whole bathtub thing, and this is a SEXY LIST so. You know.

36. Grover Cleveland (1885 - 1889)


So much younger than his second term, and married his ward. I wonder if she called him Daddy?

35. Andrew Johnson (1865 - 1869)


That haircut is called the "Actually, Mansplainer." He uses logic and reason to come to his opinions and likes to explain that to you, which is good, because the logic is not exactly self-evident.

34. Andrew Jackson (1829 - 1837)


This dude is f*$%ing crazy, and not in a cute way.

33. John Quincy Adams (1825 - 1829)


This dude thought the Earth was hollow. But his mom seemed chill.

32. John Tyler (1841 - 1845)


He looks like someone who would insist on Bible study every night and would always be disappointed that you're not as committed to the fight against moral decay as he is.

31. John Adams (1797 - 1801)


Abigail was like "hey maybe we should give women the right to vote in this new country you're making" and he was like "you ladies already control the menfolk this would be too much," proving that masculinity has always been this fragile.

30. Herbert Hoover (1929 - 1933)


Kinda sucks with money. Not sexy.

29. Thomas Jefferson (1801 - 1809)


Solid negotiator (sup Louisiana Purchase!) but a garbage public speaker. Not sexy.

28. George HW Bush (1989 - 1993)


We both agree on broccoli. So we got that going for us, which is nice.

27. Bill Clinton (1993 - 2001)


Seems like the kind of dude that would abuse his power for a blow job from a subordinate.

26. James Madison (1809 - 1817)


I dunno I have no actual thoughts on this man honestly. He is so little though and that's kinda cute I guess.

25. Martin van Buren (1837 - 1841)


He's so little and his hair is so silly! Aw.

24. Warren G. Harding (1921 - 1923)


I am super into his eyebrows. Cannot lie about that. But he had a weird thing for impregnating teenage girls, so.

23. Woodrow Wilson (1913 - 1919/1921ish depending on how you count it)


The only reason the 19th Amendment got passed is because he was down for the count at the time. #moroseandcomatosein1919

22. Ulysses S. Grant (1869 - 1877)


I get the feeling he'd cry afterwards and then pass out snoring.

21. George W. Bush (2001 - 2009)


Kinda dumb but probably a fun guy to go out with back in the day. Mildly sexy if you keep it to football maybe. He's from Connecticut but he thinks he's a cowboy. Don't think too hard about this one.

20. Benjamin Harrison (1889 - 1893)


Who? I dunno. Harmless? I don't really know.

19. William Henry Harrison (1841 - 1841)

Hey, at least it'd be over before you even realized it started.

18. George Washington (1789 - 1797)


Damn, that two-term limit precedent sure is sexy. So is his cannabis farm. But bro, the dentist is your friend.

17. Dwight Eisenhower (1953 - 1961)


Adorable! Awww! And also like a general in WWII or whatever. V sexy.

16. Abraham Lincoln (1861 - 1865)


Honestly, I'm giving myself all kinds of points for putting #16 at #16. LOL. It's fate.

Pros: Tall. Strong. Good at speeches and also being President.

Cons: High-pitched voice and, you know. The face area. HEY SORRY THIS IS A SEXY LIST NOT A GOOD PRESIDENT LIST OKAY.

15. Zachary Taylor (1849 - 1850)


Kind of a sucker for a man in uniform. He's so grizzled. I like it.

14. James Monroe (1817 - 1825)


Monroe Doctrine is influential af, and he's got a butt chin which is apparently a thing ladies like so hey. Sup.

13. Richard Nixon (1969 - 1974)


Said it before and I'll say it again - this man was the last great Republican president.

12. Harry Truman (1945 - 1953)


Aw. He's just so cute. Look at those cheeks!

11. Jimmy Carter (1977 - 1981)


Didn't Nicholas Sparks write a novel about a young Jimmy Carter? No? I feel like he definitely has.

10. Ronald Reagan (1981 - 1989)


Also thinks he's a cowboy, or at least he played one in the moving pictures.

Sick badge.

9. John F. Kennedy (1961 - 1963)


You know that ol' chestnut about women where, like, the crazier they are, the better they are in bed? JFK has gotta be the male equivalent of that. God bless this pill-popping maniac that could not keep it in his pants. #teammarilyn4lyfe

8. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933 - 1945)


He had a very sexy librarian thing going on when he was younger, and he seems to respect women for who they are on the inside, which is very important in a man.

7. James Garfield (1881 - 1881)


Dude was kinda cute when he was young and then grew a pretty dope beard as he got older. Good for him.

6. Calvin Coolidge (1923 - 1929)


Gotta love a man who knows to stay quiet.

5. Gerald Ford (1974 - 1977)


He was a male model back in the day. AGAIN THIS IS A SEXY PRESIDENT LIST WHAT DO YOU WANT.

4. Theodore Roosevelt (1901 - 1909)


Mmmmm yes. Teddy. Talk softly and carry that big stick.

Also, pretty hot back in the day. Also, he's Teddy Motherflipping Roosevelt. So.

3. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963 - 1969)


Six foot four with an impressive, um, er... PhD. And he wasn't afraid to use it.

2. Barack Obama (2009 - 2017)


Dude knows his way around a basketball. Also. That smile. Mmmm. That smile.

1. Rutherford B. Hayes (1877 - 1881)


Oh Rutherford. B. Haaaayve.