Jesus Christ Married a Whore

It's come out this past week that there is a document from the fourth century that tells of a time during which Jesus referred to his wife Mary Magdalene.

I'm going to ignore The Da Vinci Code because that book is terrible.

Obviously, this is centuries after Jesus died.  And obviously one reference like this is not irrefutable evidence that he was, in fact, married.  And obviously the Catholic Church is going to ignore it because sex is the devil and Jesus was above all that because he is the Christ.

But when I first learned about this new evidence, brought to us by Harvard professor Karen L. King, I suddenly and fully remembered what having faith in my religion was like.  It had been years since I'd become disillusioned with my religion, and almost two years since I had a crisis of faith concerning whether or not I believed in God and the Holy Trinity (pretty sure by any stretch of the imagine I am now officially a lapsed Catholic).

I believe in God still, sure, and I believe Jesus was totally awesome, but I sort of hate the story of his death.  If you think about it (and by it I mean the crucifixion), Christianity is a rather violent religion.  I'm not really here to wax philosophic on religion and Christianity, though.  I'm here to talk about the awesomeness that consists of a Jesus-Mary Magdalene marriage.

There's a girl on my facebook newsfeed that has posted a status, multiple times, that drives me crazy.  "Remember ladies, if you're easy to get, you're easy to forget!"  First of all, who posts the same status more than once?  That's dumb.  Secondly, this status is not particularly insightful.  We're not covering any new ground here, so the repetition was not actually necessary.  And finally, the 60s happened, and now I can fuck who I want and still respect myself in the morning.  Thank you.

But we as a society still have this weird relationship with sex, and it's tied up in centuries of societal norms and jealousy and love and, yes, religion.  Praying to a Christ that has never had sex makes the act less than holy - gives it a bad rap.  Sex is dirty and wrong unless it's within the confines of an ordained-by-God marriage, and the purpose of marriage is to procreate.  Any marriage, and by extension sex itself, without thought to procreation is wrong.  Jesus, because he never planned to have children, never got married, and therefore never had sex.

UNLESS HE MARRIED MARY MAGDALENE.  If this is true, if we find out this marriage was real and it happened, then we know this is true:  the Son of God married a prostitute.  And he didn't exactly do it for the children.

A woman who got paid to have sex was not beneath the marriage bed of JESUS MOTHEREFFING CHRIST.  This idea... hoo.  Oh boy.  I love this idea so much.  I want to put this concept in my bathtub and swim in it, soak in it, live in it.  Line my coffin that holds my cold, decaying corpse with it and be in it forever.


So remember ladies (assuming any of this is true).  Powerful men like women with experience.  Lots of experience.  It's your God-given duty to be promiscuous.