How to Argue Rationally and Not Lose Friends

Originally published on The Winging It Girls' Guide at www.twigghowto.com

Photo Credit: AP Images

Election season is now at least 18 months long.  It’s rough.  It’s grueling.  It gets personal. Outside of the attack ads and the Super PACS, there’s one concept that continues to strike me about seasoned politicians who are “supposed to know better”:  the arguments often don’t make sense, are based on information that is often disputable or skewed, and are often couched in logical fallacies.

Worse, many of the people you know and love in your life fall for some fairly atrocious arguments regarding political, economic, and social issues, and therefore come to conclusions or opinions that aren’t particularly logically sound.

I grew up with lawyers for parents, and I went to a pretty strict Catholic school, both of which taught me the importance of backing up thesis statements with evidence and commentary.  Since middle school, it has been important to both stay informed and win meaningless arguments at all costs, but when everyone seems to be using a different set of facts and a different set of values, it’s hard to parse through the arguments on current events issues. Even harder, though, is discussing these issues with friends in a way that doesn’t turn our conversation into a screaming match or a huge fight.

In this article, I hope to outline some pretty basic ways to a.) get to the heart of an argument (political, economic, social, or academic) to see if it makes sense or not and b.) do so in a civil, productive manner. For those of you who don’t know me, this is very much a “do as I say, not as I do” type of article.  I am terrible at all of this.  Never get into an argument with me.

Logical fallacies

The first thing that I want to discuss are some common logical fallacies in arguments that, if you want your argument to make sense, you absolutely must avoid.

A logical fallacy is an error in logic.  Logical fallacies manifest themselves in many ways, but they  usually surface due to a derailment of the other person’s argument or a leap in logic uncorrelated to the evidence presented.  You’ll recognize many of these fallacies.

Photo Credit: Newsweek

For example, Donald Trump’s favorite logical fallacy is ad hominem, or attacking the person he’s arguing with rather than the argument itself (e.g. saying Megyn Kelly had blood coming out of her when she asked a question regarding Trump’s tendency towards ad hominem attacks on women, and then saying the audience is deviant for thinking he said she was on her period).  Another common political favorite is the either/or fallacy – that there are only two options available (i.e. “you’re either with us or against us”).  The straw man fallacy is the fallacy that creates an enemy that isn’t there or creates a situation that hasn’t happened yet still takes a stand against it (e.g. “allowing gender neutral bathrooms makes it easier for men to sexually harass women” despite zero cases of men harassing women in a bathroom that allows both men and women).  Thepersonal incredulity fallacy argument supposes that because the person arguing doesn’t understand a concept, no one can (e.g. “you can’t have women in the workplace because everything you say will be considered an insult or somehow inappropriate” is more so a commentary about the person saying the statement than anything else). Anecdotal fallacies supplement personal stories in place of statistical evidence (e.g. “how can you say that racism exists if I’ve never experienced it?”).

Are you starting to recognize some of these fallacies and connect them with arguments that you’ve seen in the news or heard from your friends?  Great!  Everyone uses them.  My lawyer parents use them all the time (I assume it’s just at home and not in court).  My personal favorite, when I get lazy, is the emotional appeal, which is when I try to get an emotional reaction out of someone instead of using actual logic.  It’s a dick thing to do, but it’s also why I have no friends.

Here is a pretty dope chart listing logical fallacies.  The next time you get into a serious academic debate with friends about which important factors contributed to the US getting involved in WWI, or the next time you watch a political debate, go ahead and pull this baby out and parse out which arguments are legitimate and which are totally bogus!

Sources and evidence

Do you have a favorite website that you go to for your news?  There are a lot of great sources out there.  Some I like to peruse, even though I know they’re biased (Huffington Post, New York Times), while some I go to to confirm or deny the veracity of a claim (FactCheck.org, BBC).  Sometimes, the most unlikeliest of sources can be accurate. Even TMZ has broken one or two serious news stories before.  However, before you quote something as fact to use towards your argument (whatever that may be), you absolutely have to research it through other sites before claiming that it’s true.

Photo Credit: Gawker

For example, even though I sometimes enjoy reading Gawker and the sites associated with it (Deadspin,Jezebel, etc), I would never, ever quote a Gawker article before reading multiple, other sources.  This has to do both with checking their sources – Gawker is most interested in being the first to report something, not the most in depth or accurate – and also with the tone that Gawker uses, which is often not particularly civil.  Remember, we’re trying to argue rationally and without losing friends, not argue using the snarkiest language available in order to put down the other person.

Sifting through sources can be frustrating. Often, different news sources report on different aspects of stories that might even generate totally different stories.  Frequently you can tell if there is a bias in the article and how strong it is based on how much the author is editorializing. Heavy use of adverbs or judgement words is always a tip-off that this article is not just presenting the facts but trying to impose a certain opinion as well.

Having the right evidence is extremely important to making a good argument.  It just requires a little bit of work! Once you have the right evidence to back up the argument, you can connect your evidence to your conclusion by very clearly explaining the connection between the two elements within your argument.  Just be sure you’re not using any of the logical fallacies listed above!

Civility and respect

Hey, you know, just be chill.  Don’t interrupt the other person when he or she is talking.  Don’t put down the other person using aggressive language.  Listen respectfully, and then speak respectfully.  This is especially true if discussing anything personal, political, or religious. Smart people disagree with each other all the time.  Play nice.

Basic definitions that are good to know (all from Dictionary.com).

An opinion is a view or a judgement formed about something, not necessarily based in knowledge or fact.

A fact is a thing that is indisputably the case.

A belief is trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something, often used in a religious context.

An insult is a disrespectful or scornfully abusive remark.

I’ve seen all of the above become mistaken for each other.  Don’t do that.

Knowing when to walk away

How are you feeling right now?  Are you upset?  How are you feeling in the middle of an argument?  Are you engaged?  Do you feel respected?  Are you angry?

If you’re starting to get emotional or upset, it is always okay to walk away from an argument, even for just a few minutes.  The worst and most personal comments come out when arguments get heated, and I, for one, have an especially detailed memory concerning mean or hurtful things that people have said to me (no matter the situation).

What is the purpose of your argument?  If it’s to educate or to broaden your own horizons, then getting too emotional is unlikely to help.  If it’s to win, then maybe reconsider why you’re arguing in the first place, and consider whatever it is that you think you are trying to win.  Or, you know, maybe disregard everything I’ve said.

Thoughts about faith-based arguments and buzzwords

Religion has been a big part of my upbringing, and it’s contributed to who I am and what I believe.  While I am no longer religious, I still consider Jesus’s teachings to be pretty great, and I still believe that a basic understanding of Christianity is essential to understanding the political climate in the U.S. today.

Religion, by its nature, is based in faith.  You believe without hard proof.  Faith is not logical.  When arguing, attacking someone’s religion is uncalled for, unnecessary, and counterproductive.  Logic and faith are rarely conducive to one another, and that’s okay.  Faith is an important part of life as well – it’s just very separate from logic and reason.

On the flip side, if your arguments include anything faith-based or religion-based, please consider that perhaps they’re not the most logical arguments.  Not everyone believes that the Bible is the Word of God, just as not everyone believes in God (again, see above for definitions of belief and fact).  The Bible’s teachings and your belief in God might align with personal truths but that doesn’t mean they’re actual, factual pieces of information.  Enough people disagree about the Bible’s origins and God’s existence; therefore you really can’t use either as sound evidence for any argument.  Using a faith-based argument is, most likely, an extension of the emotional appeal fallacy or the appeal to nature fallacy, but considering the fact that we’re going to have to hear numerous claims about religion and God in the upcoming political debates, I thought that religion and faith-based arguments merited a special mention.

Additionally, buzzwords, such as “patriot”, “America”, “progress”, “traditional”, or “science” don’t actually make a good argument.  However, using these words might make a candidate a good politician.  Such is the world we live in.

Final thoughts

We live in a climate where we react first and reason through it later, and this tendency often makes it harder for us to reasonably and productively argue with friends regarding important issues.  It’s important, now more than ever before, to take the time to do the research and argue logically so that we can disagree and live with each other just a little bit more peaceably.

Thoughts on Starting the Road Less Traveled, and With Whom You Share Your Journey

You will drive yourself crazy trying to impress those who aren’t interested in being impressed.

When you’re younger, maybe it’s the cute boy in English class who turns your cheeks red when he looks at you, or the cool girl who always makes you laugh, or the hip teacher who makes pop culture references in class whose approval you’re so desperate to win. If one of those people thinks you’re lame, that sucks – but you bounce back. You didn’t know that person very well to begin with. Their opinion doesn’t matter quite so much because that person is outside of your inner circle.

When you get older and you realize the opinions most important to you come from the people you’re closest to, the advice becomes all the harder to follow.

There is no Life Handbook, no Guidelines for Adulthood. You figure out your priorities and you go from there. Yes, you need a place to live. You need food on the table. You need your various insurances and you need a savings account.

I realize I’m coming at this from a place of privilege. I know that.

But from there, after your basics are taken care of, what else do you need? Do you need to have a 9-to-5 job (do those even still exist?), or can it be something a little more… alternative? What is most important to you? Stability, creativity, belief in the company you work for, flexibility of schedule, work-life balance, weekends off, money, prestige, comfortability? What gets you excited to wake up in the morning?

Is there a right answer or a wrong answer to that question, as long as you’re independently taking care of yourself?

And if you start succeeding at the thing about which you’re most passionate, still very aware there’s a much longer road to climb, do you share your excitement with those closest in your life?

And do they shut you down, because your idea of success is wrong? Because there is one narrow way to define success, and for anyone else to try anything different is worthy only of their derision?

If they don’t even try to understand your journey, then why do you keep them in your life?

If they tell you all the ways you will probably fail at your chosen career path, or even tell you your path has no career at all, then why continue to give them any power over your own mindset?

If it really is so difficult to succeed in your endeavors, why are they adding to your burden?

If they don’t understand why you don’t just pick a “normal” career, why bother explaining something they clearly have no interest in ever comprehending?

If they think you’re “great,” why do they have so little faith in your abilities to take care of yourself?

If they really care about you enough to “worry” about you, why are they not trying to see this journey from your perspective?

If they find a way to be less judgmental toward the girl who used to bully you back in middle school than you, why are you so desperate for their conversation?

If that person brings you down, why do you continue to talk to them?

It doesn’t make your friend a bad person. It just means your friend has a narrow view of what it means to be alive. They are right, and you are wrong. There is no gray area.

There are so many people out there who want to see you succeed. There are so many people impressed by all the things you’ve accomplished, and all the things you want to accomplish.

You can’t waste your energy on those who are not interested in a definition of success or happiness that differs from their own.  That way lies nothing. That way lies sadness. That way lies a person who doesn’t try to achieve the things she wants to achieve, who settles for a life she doesn’t want, who can at least tell herself when she dies that she succeeded by someone else’s definition.

That way is not for you.

Maybe you fail. Maybe you fail miserably. And so what? Then what happens? Does life end forever? Do you kill yourself? What exactly happens if you fail?

Fear of failure is a terrible reason to not try something. You are better than that. Be better than that.

And for fuck’s sake. Stop crying. It’s exhausting.