My Love Affair with RomComs: A Thorough Analysis of the 1984 Film Romancing the Stone

            Romantic Comedies get a bad rap.  There’s a reason for it – there are a lot of really, truly terrible romantic comedies out there.  But I love romantic comedies, and I think they deserve a fair shot.

            I’m going to blog about some of the lesser-known romantic comedies I’ve seen throughout the years because I want to spotlight some overlooked films of a much-maligned genre.  Romantic comedies are, by definition, funny stories about two people falling in love.  You got love, you got jokes, you got pretty people making out with each other.  Some of them are poorly done because they rely on bad gender stereotypes and are lazy, but honestly it’s one of the hardest genres of film to make.  That’s okay though, because we as humans crave them so much, even the bad ones make money.

            I want to summarize each movie, analyze why I enjoyed it, detect if each movie lives up to the tropes of the genre, and finally, if each romantic comedy passes the Bechdel Test.  Again, the Bechdel Test is not a sign of whether or not a movie is sexist, it just measures female presence in the film.  And for a genre of films often referred to as “chick flicks,” they should all pass the Bechdel Test, right?  Lol.  Anyway.  Let’s get started.

(I was going to put the trailer here, but it's terrible.  So below is a link to some clips on Hulu.  You can watch the whole thing on Netflix.)

http://www.hulu.com/watch/27586

            “That was the end of Grogen.  The man who killed my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and stole my Bible.”

            I have a secret.  I don’t know how many romance novels I’ve read.  50?  75?  I hope it’s not 100.  For the most part, they’re part pretty bad.  There were only 3 where, when I finished, I thought to myself, “yes, that was a healthy romance, and I actually enjoyed this story.”

            I was addicted.  If I had a weekend day free, or the summer (I was in college for this phase), I would go to a bookstore or a library, grab four or five, skim the parts that didn’t deal directly with bringing the two lovers together (wasn’t really interested in whatever bs mystery or true crime story they sometimes threw in, and I never cared about the bastard son or daughter of the noble-rake-with-a-heart-of-gold either), and waste away hours of my afternoons.  My era of choice was 19^th century England (London Society, preferably), but I’d read a Western or two.

What I’m saying is that this movie’s treatment of Joan Wilder’s romance novels is on point.  And I know from personal experience – hours and hours and hours of personal experience.

            (Although I will say that most romance novels are written in third person, not first person, but that’s not important.)

           We open with Joan Wilder (played by Kathleen Turner:  Young and Sexual edition) putting the finishing touches on her most recent romance novel.  She drinks alone with her cat Romeo to celebrate, and wakes up a tad hungover and late to meet her publisher. 

            Her elderly neighbor makes a joke about Joan never going out and being single (god, older ladies, just leave our single young selves to enjoy life without some DUDESHACKLE ruining our groove times) and hands her a mysterious package.

            Some gangster man makes his way to Joan’s apartment and stabs a neighbor who bothers to ask why he’s trying to break in to her apartment.  He is looking for something.  Must be related to that mysterious package Joan just got.

            Joan and her publisher eat at a restaurant.  The publisher asks about Joan’s sister Elaine and Elaine’s husband Eduardo.  They went to Colombia, and Eduardo has disappeared and is presumed dead.  Elaine is in serious trouble, with gangsters in Colombia who are not fucking around.

            We see Elaine try to escape in a little red convertible until some Colombian kid knocks her out with some sort of rope weapon type thing.  He drives with her passed out in the passenger seat.  Kid drives better than your average adult sap, let me tell you.

            Elaine, still unconscious, is carried into a boat.  Danny DeVito (Ralph) watches.  He and his partner (his cousin Ira) argue about whether or not to do this “one last job” over a pit with alligators (or crocodiles – I don’t know).  Ralph doesn’t want to.  He has a bad feeling about this.  He thinks this last con is what gets them in trouble.

            This is called foreshadowing. 

Look.  It's Danny DeVito.

            Joan gets home to her apartment totally overturned.  She’s terrified.  She gets a call from Elaine, who is being put up to this by the DeVito brothers, asking Joan to bring the package, which is some sort of treasure map, down to Cartagena.

            Joan is a homebody, and this is Colombia in 1984.  She is used to New York City and developed world plumbing systems.  But her sister is in trouble, and she’s the only one who can help.  She does what any good sister would do and hops on that plane.

            Ralph (Danny the DeVeet, you might call him) waits for Joan so he can escort her to Cartagena when she gets to the airport, but she gets on the wrong bus because Gangster Man, the one who broke into her apartment presumably looking for that map, lied to her and told her to get on the wrong bus.  Ralph realizes Joan’s mistake too late.

            Joan, getting nervous as the bus drives through the middle of the Colombian jungle, distracts the non-English-speaking bus driver with her questions about where they are, and the bus crashes into a jeep.

            Gangster Man creeps around.  He is dangerous and terrifying and I’m tense watching this scene.  Now Joan is alone in the Colombian wilderness with a guy who stabs people for asking innocent questions.  He is Bad News. 

            Gangster Man pulls a gun on Joan.  This scares her quite a bit.  Michael Douglas happens to walk by.  Gangster Man shoots his water sack.  Now Michael Douglas is angry and scares Gangster Man off by shooting a shotgun at him.  Joan hides under the bus.  Michael Douglas is mad because it was HIS jeep the bus ran into, and all his birds that he had caged up in there are gone now because of the accident.

            Gangster Man finds Danny DeVito – sorry, Ralph – driving the direction the bus went so he can get to Kathleen Turner, He pulls out his badge.  HOLY SMOKES HE IS THE LAW.  He is a corrupt police officer.  Colombia, man. 

His name is Colonel Zolo.  He is not fucking around.

            Kathleen Turner/Joan Wilder is now screwed.  She is lost in the jungle in a country where she doesn’t speak the language and doesn’t know the geography.  Michael Douglas is an adventurer man.  They come to an agreement – she will pay him $375 in cashier’s checks if he takes her to a payphone.

            Her luggage is too heavy, and doesn’t have any valuables, so Michael Douglas throws it away.  Joan is pissy about it, but then the ground beneath her gives out and she ends up falling down a very long mudslide down the side of the mountain they were on.  Michael Douglas follows and lands facedown in her crotch.  Oh, she’s got nice gams, eh?  He’s into it.  She’s unhappy.

            Ralph calls his cousin Ira and tries to play off the fact that he doesn’t know where Joan and the map are.  Ira is not happy.  He tells Elaine that Ralph ran into Gangster Man, who is the “butcher” who killed Elaine’s husband.

            Ooh.  Ralph and Ira appear to be small-time thieves who just want the stone, and there are some much bigger players in this game.  This map is serious business.

            Michael Douglas cuts the heels off Kathleen Turner’s shoes.

            “Those were Italian,” she whines.

            “Now they’re practical,” Mikey D retorts.

            Joan crouches down to put her shoes on, just narrowly missing being shot in the head by some Colombian authorities.

            “I haven’t even done anything lately,” MD complains.  They see Colonel Zolo leading the cops and Michael puts two and two together.  They’re after Joan.  The deal is off, he says.  Joan is too dangerous.  They escape to another hideaway.  He does not believe her when she says she’s a romance novelist.

            No way Joan’s shoes are comfortable enough to run around the Colombian jungle in just because the heels are cut off.  But as Mr. Douglas gets ready to have a shoot-out with the police, Kathleen swings across a ravine to more permanently escape.  Michael Douglas sees this, take a page out of her book, also swings across – and flies right into the side of the cliff.  It’s funny.  His nose bleeds.

            He climbs up and manages to find her desperately trying to finish a nip she had in her bag.

            “Drinking?  I could have died, and you’re drinking?”

            This movie’s dialogue is fun.  Everyone’s clearly having a ball with this premise.  I mean, we have a homebody romance novelist who likes to celebrate by getting hammered on wine and nips with her cat stuck in a dangerous Colombian jungle on the way to rescue her sister, who is being held up by con artists, while the Colombian authorities are trying to kill her, and an Indiana Jones-type wannabe/bad boy mercenary who’s just in it for the money is her guide.  I love the plot – silly as it is, it’s fun.  I love the characters – their wit, their brass, their attitudes.  I love the setting.  This movie is so fucking good.  Damn, this movie is so fucking good.

            Michael Douglas has some trouble cutting through the jungle foliage.  Joan asks if they’re stopping for some reason, and Michael Douglas, as sarcastically as he can muster, allows her to attempt to cut through for herself.  She’s pretty good at it.  Mike the D Man watches her in admiration, both for her skill and her sweet bod.

            We can see why he likes her.  She’s beautiful first of all, she’s vulnerable, but when her feet are to the fire, she figures it out.  She crossed the ravine on a vine before he did.  She can chop through the jungle like she was born there.  She’s fantastic.

            Also, she’s Kathleen Turner circa 1984.  That hair.  That body.  That voice.

            Joan stops and screams when she sees a skeleton in an airplane and freaks out.  Douglas comforts her.  The skeleton was once a pilot in a plane that went down.  They take shelter in the plane and find liquor.  Not bad.

            Joan mentions the liquor is Elaine’s favorite, and Michael asks about her sister.  Joan is vague and a bad liar, and Michael Douglas doesn’t buy her “I’m coming to comfort my grieving sister” shtick but he lets it go – until he finds the map.

            Michael Douglas is curious about the map.  It leads to the heart… of something.  Hm.  Romance themes.  All Joan wants to do is give the map back to the guys ransoming her sister.  Michael wants to find the treasure, because that’s what the ransomers really want – and besides, he’s interested.  Joan hates that idea because it’s more dangerous than just returning the map, and she believes the D Man wants it for selfish reasons.  She rails on him about what a real man is and isn’t – until he kills a poisonous snake that was about to bite Joan.  That shuts her up right quick.

            Now we find out his name.  It’s Jack T. Colton.  He’s been down in Colombia for a while.  He just wants to get enough money together to buy a boat and sail by himself.  There’s tension.  Sexual tension.  They’re attracted to each other.  Then Joan passes out, and Jack (Mikey D, you recall) takes a closer look at the map. 

            “Devil’s Fork,” he mutters to himself.

            We can see why she likes him.  He knows his way around a Colombian jungle, he has quick reflexes (yo, did you see him chop that snake’s head off?), he’s charismatic and charming and smirking and his biceps have great definition.  His hair, too.  So totally bad boy 80s.  I’m into it.  Joan, even though she won’t admit it because she’s pretty shook up now (it’s been a rough 24 hours), is into it.  Everyone’s into it.

            Jack and Joan find a tiny town with few people in it.  Nobody is very friendly.  Jack tries to take the lead to help them get a car, but he’s a lot better at jungle than people.  He puts his foot in his mouth, and the whole town (there are, like, 8 inhabitants) is ready to shoot them.

            “All right, Joan Wilder, write us out of this one,” Jack says, and the one rich citizen with the car recognizes the name.  This is Juan.  Juan is a huge fan of Joan Wilder, and he invites his favorite writer and her companion into his home.

            What a coincidence!  This is probably the weakest bit of the film.  I mean, these Colombian villagers who don’t have any phones and only have one car in the whole town have read Joan Wilder’s romance novels?  But it’s okay that it doesn’t make any sense, because I’m still having so much fun.  I mean, did you read that sentence about the Colombian villagers recognizing New York romance novelist Joan Wilder as a plot twist?  That’s great.  It’s contrived, but it’s great.

            The Colombian police find Juan’s home and surround the residence.  Juan and Jack and Joan drive out in Juan’s car just in time to escape the authorities.  As Juan drives them down a car chase on the mud roads of this tiny Colombian village, he points out the spot near the fence where his mother was born, and the tree his brother planted.  Boom!  Bam!  Another shot!  Juan points out another landmark.

This movie is funny.  I am laughing.  If you are able to experience joy than I imagine you are laughing too.  Assuming you’re watching this movie.

            Juan manages to lose the Colombian authorities, including Colonel Zolo.

            Joan’s hair is down, and she looks fantastic.  This is unrealistic.  Her hair would look disgusting at this point.  Like a rat’s nest.  Is she wearing a bra right now?  I don’t think so.  Her garb is ripped up, but fashionably so.

            I would look like The Thing That The Thing Crawled Out Of And Then Cannibalized And Pooped Out if I was Joan right now.  I would be muddy and dirty and sweaty and gross.

Looks like someone had a real rough day.

            I love movies.  Kathleen Turner.  She just looks so good.  Unbelievable.  I’m all about it.

  

          Juan and Joan and Jack find themselves by a landmark Jack saw on the map – Devil’s Fork or something.  Jack perks up.  He says it's time to go back to the village.

            Ralph (Danny DeVito – God, how great is Danny DeVito?) is arguing with Ira on a payphone about how hard it is to find Joan, and how Ira is an embarrassment to the family, when Juan drops Jack and Joan off.  Joan makes a call to Ira, and he’s fine with the fact that she’ll bring the map in the morning.  Jack has fulfilled his obligation, and Joan pays him the $375.

            But Jack wants the actual treasure now.  Only he can’t just ask Joan for it, because she wants the map for her sister’s ransom.  So he offers to buy her dinner so he can buy more time.  Is he going to betray Joan to keep the map for himself?

            What a dick.

            Joan takes a shower and puts on normal clothes.  Jack must have showered too.  They look good.  They enjoy each other’s company over dinner.  Damn.  They’re into each other.  How is he going to betray her now?

            Michael Douglas’s all-white suit with the buttons halfway down his chest is everything right now.

            Ralph tries to reach into Joan’s bag when she’s dancing with Michael Douglas:  Saturday Night Fever Edition, but some angry middle-aged lady catches him and throws him out.  Joan and Jack make out and have sexy times.  We catch up with them after the sexy times are mostly done.

            “Why haven’t you stolen the map?” Joan asks Jack.  She has a point.  Jack is a scoundrel.  But Jack plays dumb.  Joan decides she wants to get the treasure herself, and see if there’s enough left over to get Jack his boat so everybody wins.  Jack is obviously on board, and takes the map from between the mattresses and puts it in back in Joan’s bag without her knowing. 

            Low, that he was going to keep the treasure for himself when he knows Joan’s sister’s life is on the line.  What a scumbucket.  Aren’t you mad at him right now?  Like, her sister is going to die.  He convinced her to stay with him so he could seduce her and keep the map for himself and let her sister die.  Let’s remember that before Joan gave him the out of “coming up with the idea” herself.

            What a dick.

            They go back to sexy times.

            The next morning they go look for the treasure.  They happen to take the car Frank Reynolds Ralph was sleeping in, so he gets a free ride to the treasure.  Once they get the stone, Ralph holds the lovers up with his pistol.  Joan is angry at him, but Danny points out that he’s at least honest, he’s not “trying to romance it out from under her.”

            Hey, that’s the name of the movie!

            “But going after the stone was my idea,” Joan replies.  She’s confused.  How could Jack have manipulated her?  It’s literally not even possible.  Well, not literally.  And not “not.”  Because Ralph is right, and Jack is a dick.

            “That’s what all the con artists do.  They make you think you need it.”

            OH SHIT THE COLOMBIAN AUTHORITIES.  Guys, we gotta put this conversation on hold before we all die.  Colonel Zolo is back. 

            Quick intermission – Colonel Zolo?  Really?  What is this, Star Trek:  Action Adventure Romantic Comedy Edition?

Joan and Jack get in the car, end up in a river, drive off a waterfall, and are forced to jump out of the car.  They end up on different sides of that river.  Joan has the map, but Jack has the stone.  Joan is mad at Jack and thinks he planned this all along. 

            Jack doesn’t understand.  All the ransomers wanted was the map in exchange for Elaine.  He figured he could get the stone, and Joan can get her sister back, and everyone’s happy.  Joan points out that the map is worthless if Jack has the stone.  Jack promises to meet Joan at the Hotel Cartagena.   He promises, and throws in phrases like “trust me” or whatever.  Joan doesn’t have time to argue, though, because the Colombian authorities are shooting at them, and it’s time to run.

            Joan has to meet Elaine and her kidnapper by taking a water taxi to some Colombian fortress.  Is that what it is?  I don’t think the fortress is ever explained.  “Oh, you know Colombian cities, with their water fortresses.”  Joan paces in her hotel room.  Jack hasn’t shown up yet.  What a cad.  Gets the stone and doesn’t even care about Joan’s sister.  Liar.  Dickwad.  His own boat over Joan’s sister.  All men are pigs.

            Joan and Ira do an exchange in some weird underground structure.  Arches and shit.  I don’t know.  Colombian water fortresses.  Ira accepts the map.  He lets Elaine go.  GUNSHOTS.  WHAT.  I thought this was over!

            Jack is there.  “Missed you at the hotel,” he smirks.  It’s almost funny, but then you see he’s been captured by Colonel Zolo’s COLOMBIAN AUTHORITIES, and they were the ones firing the gun.

            Colonel Zolo knows Joan and Jack found the stone.  He cuts Joan’s hand and holds it over the ol’ crocogator pit and waits for the blood to tempt his reptiles.  Jack can’t watch Joan get killed, so he shakes the stone out of his pants and kicks it up.  Colonel Zolo catches it.  Victory for Colonel Zolo – UNTIL ONE OF HIS PETS BITES HIS HAND OFF AND EATS THE STONE AND THE HAND.

            Graphic.  Screams.  Ira escapes on a boat and promises to come back for Ralph… some time.  To be determined.  Haha.  Never trust a con artists, even when they’re family.  Especially when they’re family.

            Jack found the gator that ate the gem and tries to grab it by the tail so he can but the reptile open and grab the stone, but Colonel Zolo is attacking Joan at the same time.  She screams out for Jack.  Jack has a decision to make – Joan or the gem?

            This is a romance.  So obviously Jack chooses Joan.  But Joan can take care of her own damn self, even if she doesn’t realize it, and even as Gangster Man tries to stab Joan OVER A PIT OF GATORS.  Danger from all sides, I tell you.  Joan hits him with a stick and managers to set the guy on fire just as Jack climbs up the tower to rescue Joan.  Gangster Man falls into the pit of reptiles.  Let’s assume he’s dead.

            Jack sees that the legit, non-corrupt authorities are on their way.  They do not like Jack.  Jack’s got to head out.

            “You’re leaving me?”  Joan asks.

            “You’ll be fine on your own.  You always were,” Jack says after a real romantic kiss.  What a beautiful sentiment.  Reminding Joan that she’s got her shit on lock, even if she doesn’t believe in herself.  It’s just… he doesn’t want to get arrested in Colombia, and she’s going to be safe now anyway, so he’s got to go.

            He has redeemed himself I suppose.  That was a really shitty thing to do, trying to steal the map, after spending a day getting to know the awesome Joan Wilder.  

            Although technically… he seemed to be looking for a way for both of them to go?  Ideally, he wanted to go with her.  It’s just that Plan B was stealing the map, and Plan C was her taking the map and him taking nothing.  Plans B and C should have been switched.

            He was able to make Plan A work, though, and he did follow through and make it to see her in Cartagena.  And he saved her life – or, he chose to save her life over the retrieving the stone in the gator, but she had already taken care of herself by the time he showed up.

            FINE.  I still like Jack, and I still think he makes a solid love interest.  Even if he is a little bit of a… cad.

            Typical romance novel hero. 

            Joan, meanwhile, is a boss the whole way through, any way you look at it.  She wears Italian heels and writes romance novels and dreams about Mr. Right, but she can handle a situation in a faraway wilderness where everyone seems to want her dead.

            Back in New York, Joan has written about her experiences and passed it off as her newest novel, only in her novel’s ending the two lovers end up together and sail the world.  In her real life, Jack dives into the water to escape the authorities, and Joan goes back to New York.

            Lo and behold, Joan walks home and sees a giant sailboat outside her New York apartment.  Jack is wearing alligator boots.  Nice touch, Jack.  He came back for her because he couldn’t stop thinking about her.  And Joan, for her part, most certainly hadn’t forgotten about him.

            The music is cheesy the whole time.  80s pop synth that doesn’t really match the theme.  Some of the lesser characters are a little one-dimensional.  But the movie is so much fun, having a go at action tropes and romance tropes while being genuinely funny and actually heartfelt along the way.

            You think all romantic comedies are the worst?  You obvs haven’t seen Romancing the Stone.

ADVISORY:  DO NOT WATCH THE SEQUEL.  Jewel of the Nile will retroactively ruin the romance of the first one.  It is a huge bummer.

Romcom score card:

1.  Chemistry between the leads?  Excellent.  That tension was straight up erotic.  Into it.
2. The Best Friend Role.  Not really one, to be honest, but we’ll give it to the publisher Gloria.  She’s brassy and rates the attractiveness of all the guys at the restaurant, but she quickly switches gears and gets back down to business when the time calls for it.  Acceptable.
3. No Male Best Friend.  N/A.
4.  Enjoyability:  High.  Watch this movie.  Now.
5.  Was she stupid to get together with him?  Fuck no.  If the way you met your lover was by escaping con artists and corrupt police officers in Colombia while still finding time to genuinely enjoy his company, would you leave that man?  Fuck no.  That is a story for your grandkids for sure.
6.  Was he stupid to stay with her?  Fuck no.  A woman who picks up survival techniques that quickly despite having no experience?  Definitely a keeper.  Also, I don’t know if you know this, but when you urban dictionary “sex appeal” it’s just a picture of Kathleen Turner from 1984.
7.  Chick flick score – does this romcom pass the Bechdel test?  Yes, but don’t get too excited.  There are three occasions where two named women talk about something other than a man, and it adds up to a total of one minute of screentime.  All three times are with Joan and Gloria.  They’re either talking about Joan’s novel, about how Joan never goes out, or about how dangerous Colombia is and that Joan cannot go there.  It’s nice that this is a romcom from the female perspective, but it’s still a romcom set in a man’s world.

Overall:  This is not just a straight romantic comedy.  There are action and adventure elements as well.  But the movie is about a romance (hell, it’s got the word “romancing” in the title as an allusion to Jack’s less honorable intentions toward Joan) and ends with the two main characters driving a boat toward the ocean into the sunset.  Romance?  Check. 

As for comedy?  Joan’s career as a romance novelist has a tongue-in-cheek vibe the entire time, from the opening scene where we get a taste of her illustrious work, to the Colombian villagers who think she’s the greatest writer in the world.  Jack’s got some funny one-liners, and Ralph and Ira’s relationship is hilarious.  There’s also a self-aware campy feel to the alligators and the con artists and the crime bosses that makes the story that much more enjoyable.

      I honestly don’t know what to make of someone who sat through this movie and didn’t enjoy it.  Ladies, if you love romcoms and are tired of defending it as a perfectly legitimate genre outside of the “guilty pleasure” sector of film-viewing, point that idiot friend of yours you’re arguing with to this movie and see if they can still hate when they’re done. 

      Game.  Over.

My Love Affair with RomComs: A Thorough Analysis of the 1997 Film Fever Pitch

            Romantic Comedies get a bad rap.  There’s a reason for it – there are a lot of really, truly terrible romantic comedies out there.  But I love romantic comedies, and I think they deserve a fair shot.

            I’m going to blog about some of the lesser-known romantic comedies I’ve seen throughout the years because I want to spotlight some overlooked films of a much-maligned genre.  Romantic comedies are, by definition, funny stories about two people falling in love.  You got love, you got jokes, you got pretty people making out with each other.  Some of them are poorly done because they rely on bad gender stereotypes and are lazy, but honestly it’s one of the hardest genres of film to make.  There's nothing flashy about two people falling in love.  You have to build a believable relationship about two people and still keep them likable enough for the audience.  That's okay though, because we as humans crave love stories so much, even bad ones make money.

            I want to analyze why I enjoyed each movie, if each movie lives up to the tropes of the genre, and finally, if each romantic comedy passes the Bechdel Test.  Again, the Bechdel Test is not a sign of whether or not a movie is sexist, it just measures female presence in the film.  And for a genre of films often referred to as “chick flicks,” they should all pass the Bechdel Test, right?  Lol.  Anyway.  Let’s get started.

            Fever Pitch was originally a novel by Nick Hornsby (High Fidelity, About a Boy – the guy wrote some books about selfish men learning to love other people, but they’re well written).  They turned it into a film in 1997.  They Americanized the story in 2005 with Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore and the Red Sox, but I’m more interested in romcoms you might not have seen for the moment.

            You might not have seen the 2005 version I guess.  Eh.

            Fever Pitch opens with a dad and his kids (one girl, one boy) who have nothing to talk about.  The parents are clearly divorced.  The dad shows up once a month (or seldomly, at any rate) and the kids are not interested in making an effort with a father who can’t bother to be with them the rest of the time.  (I have no sympathy for the dad – I have already decided he is the worst.)

            Fast forward to a high school, and we meet Ms. Sarah Hughes.  MS. Hughes – not Miss, not Mrs., because she is a no-nonsense feminist who runs a tight ship in the classroom, and I like her already.

Colin Firth plays Mr. Paul Ashwood.  Colin is the little boy from the first scene all grown up.  He’s a literature teacher who does not run a tight ship at all and has  kind of longer, wild hair that lets you know this guy is not the straitlaced Mr. Darcy you’d expect Mr. Firth to play.  They talk a little bit about Of Mice and Men but then one of the students brings up soccer and it’s game over and they’re not talking academics anymore, buddy.

            Colin Firth is passionate about literature and soccer.  This is England, so I should call it football, but I’m a rebel and an American and I will do as I please, thank you.

            Ms. Hughes and Colin Firth have classrooms right next to each other, and Ms. Hughes is not about to deal with Colin’s class’s “moronic football chanting,” so already they don’t like each other.

            Ms. Hughes is right.  This is a job.  This is a school.  Colin Firth is so far a bad teacher and super unprofessional, and there’s no way his students actually do work when he lets them yell about soccer all day.  But that’s okay, because this is a movie, and I am enjoying it, and I don’t get mad about plotholes in Tom Cruise movies and Colin Firth is charming even in a leather jacket when he really should be wearing a cravat so let’s just move on.

            I like Ms. Hughes already because she is feisty and cares about her job and I like Colin Firth already because he is Colin Firth and also he has a good point about soccer and literature being two things that are pretty darn groovy.

            Through some awkward exposition we find Ms. Hughes is a new teacher and Colin Firth has been at the school for a bit.  They quarrel because Ms. Hughes cannot deal with his unprofessionalism and Colin Firth is like “whatever, bro.”

            Sarah complains about him to her best friend/roommate Jo, and Jo is all “yo, you are definitely gonna shag on the carpet.”  Ms. Hughes is like, “most def not” and even offers to pay for a new carpet if it happens.  That’s how NOT it’s going to happen.  It’s going to NOT happen because Sarah can’t stand him, ugh, even though he’s a laidback version of Fitzwilliam in the looks department.

            Jo also eats an entire quart of ice cream, thereby perpetuating the trope of the skinny woman eating massive amounts of junk food.  Not my favorite trope, but if you’re going to go for it, at least go big, and I appreciate that’s what this movie is doing in this scene.

            A quart of chocolate ice cream.  God Save the Queen.

            Then Colin Firth complains to his buddy about what a stuck-up princess Ms. Hughes is, and he has a point.  Just because she’s right that he’s unprofessional doesn’t mean she has to argue with the guy about it.  Just leave him alone to his failures. 

            I’m enjoying this movie already, because I enjoy both these characters, and I love that he just wants to talk literature and soccer, and she just wants to do a good job but is too type-A to relax.  I know they’re going to bone, but that’s okay.  I don’t want romantic comedies for the plot twists.

            Colin Firth’s buddy, who I think was the bad guy in that Sherlock Holmes movie with Robert Downey Jr. (he was, I looked it up - Mark Strong), asks if Sarah is good-looking, because the point of both of their best friends is to remind the soon-to-be-lovers that looks are more important than personality when it comes to love.

            Listen, I know it sounds like I’m dumping on this movie.  But so far it’s great.  The dialogue is enjoyable and the rapport set up between the characters so far is easy and fun.  I know I’m about to watch two beautiful people fall in love with some quirky dialogue and giggles along the way, and I cannot wait.

             Colin Firth’s friend is annoying though.   He goes behind the goal during a soccer game when his brother, who is playing, is trying to score, and distracts him.  It’s like those idiot frat boys you play pong with.  Bro, I will not shoot until you stop fucking around.  Minus two points for an annoying male best friend.  Plus one point for a funny female best friend.

            Colin Firth narrates why he loves soccer.  It’s because his deadbeat dad didn’t know how to connect with his children (try showing up more than once a month, ya big jerkface), until he introduced young Mr. Firth to soccer.  Turns out, Colin is a fan. 

Sports.  Dads and sons hate talking about feelings and love talking about sports.  Okay.  I’ll take it.

            Why doesn’t the dad try to connect with his daughter?  That’s fucked up.  Dads and daughters.  Why can’t she go to the game?  It’s not like Colin was into it before he actually went to the first game – he was just stoked to hang out with his dad for some reason – so why couldn’t the daughter learn to love it?  Sorry, angry ex-soccer player over here.  Anyway, I can’t blame the movie for reflecting the sexist world in which the film takes place, so no points one way or the other concerning that issue.

            Back to the present.  We see that Colin genuinely cares about his students, to the point that he takes a boy whose parents had just divorced to a game.  He wanted to go by himself so he can go drinking later, but he just cares so damn much about his students.  The parents love him too, and he can talk to them, because everyone with a personality likes soccer.

            Parent-teacher night.  Ms. Hughes cannot relate to the students and their parents because she is too uptight.  Colin Firth gets along with everybody.  He offers Sarah a ride home because it’s raining and he has a car and she doesn’t. 

Ms. Hughes is jealous of Colin Firth’s popularity but she’s trying to be chill about it because she knows it’s not a chill thing to be jealous like that.  She’s just bummed because she puts so much work into her job and Colin is like “whatever bro” but since he can actually talk to people (well, mostly just about soccer) and she has terrible people skills because she’s so uptight, he gets more out of parent teacher conferences than she does.

            “Don’t be so uptight.  Just be yourself,” Colin tells her, but she says she is being herself, and it’s charming how self-aware she is.  She invites him up for a coffee but it’s obviously sex, which is pretty forward for someone who’s so uptight.  She’s nervous when she asks him to stay, which is cute, and you can see why – he does have an easy charm about him that uptight people can’t help but be drawn to (speaking as a fellow uptight person, nothing is sexier than a laidback dude HOW DO YOU GUYS DO IT I DON’T UNDERSTAND it’s fine it’s no big deal let’s carry on).

            “Not on the carpet, I can’t afford it,” she says after he kisses her and they start really going at it, and he looks confused, and then they go to the bedroom for the sexy times.  This is a cute moment and I like it, so I highlighted it in the rundown.

            You have to analyze why they like each other in any good romcom.  You have to believe they like each other.  In a romcom where they start off on the wrong foot, you have to believe why they overcame their differences.  Colin Firth is set up as an immature dude when it comes to his passion for soccer (stuck in arrested development on that score because it was a way he, as a son, could connect with his dad – serious psychoanalysis is important to understanding any good romantic comedy because these are character-driven films) but he genuinely cares about other people.  He cares about his students, and he feels bad when the uptight, kind of annoying teacher who can’t seem to get a break is stuck out in the rain so he offers her a ride home.  Why he likes her is obvious – she cares about her job, she cares about her students, she’s cute, and she knows who she is.

            Why she likes him is obvious too.  He’s tall.  He cares about his students and gets along with everyone.  He’s laidback.  He’s charming.  He kind of reminds you of Mr. Darcy for some reason.  It’s easy to see it.

            So they bone in the bedroom.  Nice.

            Jo and Sarah exercise together, but Jo is a slow runner, so Sarah has to walk, which is embarrassing to Jo but it made me smile.  I wasn’t like LOL about it but I was most def all smiles. 

            While Colin Firth is coaching boys' soccer, the principal offers him a promotion.  I love watching kids play soccer because it reminds me of childhood and I can’t help grinning like an idiot when I drive by soccer fields and it’s definitely not a weird pedo thing so I’m offended you even brought it up.  But CF is not interested in the promotion, even if it means a raise, because it means more work, and he has all the money he needs for season tickets to Arsenal games as it is, thank you.

            Flashback scene.  Colin Firth’s boy character’s hair is longer so you know he’s becoming a “football hooligan.”  His sister is trying to have an interesting conversation about the difference between motels and hotels but it is overshadowed by soccer talk.  I like the sister character, and I think it’s a missed opportunity that we didn’t explore her wants and needs more.  Oh well.

            Colin Firth and Sarah are walking and she’s like “what are you thinking about” and he lies about it being DH Lawrence which like come on please are you a woman from the 1920s surrounded by her vapors because you are definitely not thinking about DH Lawrence.  He’s thinking about his team Arsenal.  Ms. Hughes is like “why you lying about it it’s fine” which is proof she is learning to accept his football hooligan side.

           But he’s not JUST a football hooligan!  Because then they’re back at his apartment, and they’re talking about what music to play, and he doesn’t want to play a certain record because it’s too loud and “swear-y” and not the right mood and Sarah gets all giggly and tells him that’s the most romantic thing he’s ever said to her.  So you see, he wants to be sweet and romantic and he is growing as a person and a boyfriend and this story is adorable so far.

            Ooh, step backward, as Ms. Hughes wants to plan a weekend away, and Colin Firth is all “ooh, don’t know the Arsenal schedule yet” and then says he’s capable of commitment because he’s been with Arsenal for 21 years so if their romantic relationship doesn’t last it’s her fault not his.  That’s pretty bullshit and I don’t like it and all men are pigs but I will overlook it for now because I have been enjoying the film before this.

            Then we find out Sarah is more knowledgeable about soccer than ever before because of spending time with Colin and osmosis.  Jo is worried about her turning into a football hooligan.  She says remembering sports things that your boyfriend likes is a form of male manipulation, and I don’t totally disagree with this character, even if I can’t tell whether you’re supposed to take the claim seriously or not.  Like, what interests of Sarah’s is Colin Firth adopting?  Oh, is the answer none?  We are presented with a female character with no discernible interests in anything outside of her job, which is how you know this story was written by a dude (and Nick Hornby especially is not typically great with female characters).  It’s a man’s world, and a woman must adapt to him and not the other way around.

            We learn more about Colin Firth’s obsession with soccer, because just as much as this is a romantic comedy, this is a story about Colin Firth’s psyche.  What started as a way to bond with his father developed into a life of its own, and when his father wants to do something different like meet his new wife’s kids, Colin Firth the Kid resists.  What’s the point of seeing his dad if soccer isn’t involved?  His dad doesn’t even live in the same country and only visits every now and then. 

            “I thought we were beyond [the soccer] stage now,” Dad says.

            “We’ll never be beyond that stage,” Colin Firth the Kid says, and I want to hug him, because GOOD FOR YOU LITTLE GUY, telling your dad like it is like that.  Good for you.

            Then we see Sarah with Colin Firth at a soccer game (pictured above) and she hates it because it’s crowded and looks like a mosh pit and it seems pretty awful.  Later CF and Ms. Hughes are watching the end of a Liverpool game where 74 people died because everyone was crushed to death, and Ms. Hughes is like, “your obsession with this is selfish, it’s all-consuming, it’s ruined your relationship with your parents, and without it you’re left with nothing.”  She’s right.  He doesn’t respond well.  They break up.

            He realizes she’s right and he’s upset about it, and there’s a montage about him realizing he’s wrong.  She’s sad too.  Then he calls her and asks if she’s pregnant.  What.

            She is.  Why he knew that without her telling him is not explained, but he’s right.  There’s a cute scene where he waits for her to run by in the park with Jo but since he waited so long the roses are all wilted.  Aw.  He’s trying but he’s so terrible.  They go out to dinner where he tries to convince her to get back together because they would be so good as parents together.  She’s not so sure.  He invents a future together and she’s like “yo I haven’t agreed to any of this.”  Part of the future includes a house by the Arsenal stadium.  Real mature.  And then he sets a napkin on fire which proves her point about maturity.

            Colin Firth tells the principal he’ll take the promotion because he knocked Sarah up and is going to marry her, and the principal is like “seriously, you knocked up the new teacher outside of wedlock” and is less than pleased with Colin, who has to be an idiot for telling his boss this information because hello they work together.

            Sarah, for her part, is pissed, because she could get fired.  Then she smokes a cigarette.  Jo points out that smoking a cigarette for the first time when she finds out she’s pregnant “indicates a sort of ambivalence about the pregnancy,” and Jo wins for my favorite character in the film.

            The female best friend in romcoms is a tricky role.  It’s usually brassy broads who are uncouth and obnoxious.  They’re usually not written well, and you count the seconds until they’re off screen and their loud, unfunny sex jokes are finally over.  The only thing worse than a female best friend is a male best friend, who spouts misogynist one-liners to make the male love interest look like a saint in comparison, while the female love interest looks like the picture of sanity next to her mouthy best friend.  But Jo has some solid insights, some winking foreshadowing (we all knew they were going to get together – at least her line about shagging on the carpet was clever), and some serious challenges to the main character that genuinely add to the story.  Three cheers for Jo, the film MVP.

            Now that Colin Firth is an expectant father, he’s confident about Arsenal (which is new – Arsenal fans expect the worse from their team).  He and Sarah are looking at apartments and he wants to be close to the Arsenal stadium.  He’s so focused on football he’s not paying attention to Sarah’s real concerns and suggestions about where to raise their child.

            His interview for the promotion goes badly, and it goes to someone else.

            Arsenal loses.  Sarah’s all “sorry about what happened” and he thinks she’s talking about Arsenal losing their chances to win the season because he’s more upset about the game than the job offer.  They fight, and Sarah realizes once again that he is not ready for a family.

            Duh.  I mean, he clearly has some deepseated daddy issues, and has been using Arsenal as a surrogate Father Figure so he doesn’t have to deal with his emotions properly has led to some serious stunted growth on that front as an adult.  While this may explain things about Colin Firth, it doesn’t justify his behavior.  Girl, I am rooting for you to move on, because he does not deserve you.

            But here’s the crazy thing about romcoms.  You want them to get together.  You want the guy to be better than he is, and you want the girl to stand up for herself more and be rewarded for it.  Maybe this breakup is what causes Colin Firth to grow the fuck up?  Oh god, I hope so.

            So far, we’ve seen Sarah accept soccer wholeheartedly – just as an adult fan, not an obsessed manchild like my boy CF.

            Colin Firth quits his job to make more money so he can pay child support.  Wait, what?  I guess it opens it up so he can find another job where he makes more money, but as of now it looks like a 100% pay cut.  Also, he appreciates that Sarah doesn’t want to work with “the absent father of his child.”  It seems like he grew up offscreen a little bit.  He watches the game at home instead of at the stadium, so there’s growth there too.  Sarah is at a party but she’s the only one who cares about the soccer game even as she’s pretending not to care.  Sarah’s adorable.  At least now that she and Colin are on the outs he realizes how awesome she is.

            Sarah leaves her party early to go watch the game with Colin.  She rings the bell but Colin doesn’t answer it and yells down at whoever is ringing the bell to fuck off without realizing it’s her because it was the last minute of the very important game.  Although, come on Colin, how many friends do you even have.  Couldn’t you have guessed it was her?  He does realize my point I made just now and he goes running down there, but it’s too late.  She’s gone, so he comes running back up to see the end of the game.

            On the one hand he knows he probably fucked up.  On the other, he doesn’t seem to have done anything about it.

            But then Arsenal wins, and Sarah realizes it’s kind of great to be part of that energy.  She’s into it.

            The two ex-lovers see each other and they kiss.  If I was Sarah I’d be a little too pissy to go back to Colin.  Like, the last interaction they had was him telling her to fuck off without realizing it was her (although he probably should have).  I woulda been like, “bro, don’t treat me like that.”  Then I would have made out with him, because I am female and nerdy and he reminds me of a Jane Austen hero so, you know, game over.

Romcom score card:

1.     Chemistry between the leads?  Okay.  You believe they got together in the beginning.  You don’t necessarily believe they stay together, but life is full of people who stayed together because of how good it was when they first got together.

2.     The Best Friend role:

A.  Female division:  Great.  Funny, insightful, cutting.  You see why the two women are friends. 

B.  Male division:  Acceptable.  Only talks to Colin about soccer and how fit Sarah is, but no misogyny or bad advice.  So.  Acceptable.

3.     Enjoyability:  Not a bad way to spend 2 hours when you’re bored.  Also, will never not tire of seeing Colin Firth in a “hooligan” role.  Like

4.     Was she stupid to stay with him?  I guess not.  He’s an idiot and immature, but he’s cognizant of the fact that he needs to grow up, which is a good start.

5.     Was he stupid to stay with her?  Fuck no.  He’s lucky as all hell.

6.     Chick flick score – does this romcom pass the Bechdel test?  Yes, but barely.  Jo and Sarah are well done female characters, but they only have one conversation that isn’t about men, and it’s about exercise.  So they technically pass… but this "chick flick" is from a man's perspective - as the majority of "chick flicks" are.

Overall:  My first entry into the RomCom Defense Files is a good example of what to like about romantic comedies and what not to like.  It avoids some of the worse examples of gender stereotypes prevalent in the genre, but it also is a sweet story about two beautiful people falling in love with some jokes and personal growth along the way.  In short, I can appreciate someone who doesn't love the movie, but are you really gonna hate on it?  

(Full disclosure:  I do remember this movie being better, but I enjoyed it just as much the second time anyway.)